All posts by Dev

Edwards Claims Biggar is Better

Human cue-ball Shaun Edwards is rubbing his hands at the prospect of Dan Biggar taking the field against Samoa this Friday, claiming the rookie Ospreys fly-half has a bite that’s as big as his bark.

“He can tackle; there’s no doubt about it.  And he can shout.  By heck, have you heard him shouting?  Never stops shouting that lad.  Or tackling.  And he does his fair share of running as well.  Kicking?  Lots of that as well…when he isn’t passing of course…”

According to Edwards, Biggar is also still growing, and will reach his full rugby maturity in time for the 2011 World Cup, when he finally turns 16.

“By the time this kid gets through puberty, I reckon he’ll be about 7 feet tall and weigh 20 stone,” frothed Edwards.  “And he’ll be able to tackle and pass at the same time, or shout and run, or kick and pass.  He’s right good at multi-tasking.  You know… like a woman.  Wilkinson can’t fookin manage that.  And it pains me to say it – neither can Cipriani.”

Edwards has also been busy prepping giant lock Luke Charteris for the upcoming encounter against the South-Sea Islanders, with a high-impact regime of stomach muscle bulking.  “A normal tackle on Luke will hit him somewhere around the knee; possibly even on the thigh.  But the Samoans are famous for their high-shots so we’ve been having to firm him up around the navel area.”

Huw Bennett meanwhile, is an altogether different coaching challenge:  “People ask me, what is Huw Bennett for?  I think that’s disrespectful and I don’t like disrespectivenessability.  Against the Samoans, we don’t need control at the scrummage, or a decent throw at the line-out.  In the 25th minute, we really need someone dedicated enough to start a mass brawl and then go and hide behind Ryan Jones.  But don’t print that last bit.”

Coaches Conjure Red Rag to All Blacks

This just in…



From: Graham Henry (
To: Steve Hansen (
Subject:  Pre match motivation – Wales
Date: 01 November 2009 (19:50 NZST)

As per our discussion on the 23rd, we really have to try and come up with an original way of stoking up the guys for the Wales game.  We need fire in their bellies or we could lose for the first time in absolutely bloody ages.

So I’ve looked into the last half dozen away internationals against Wales before we first got hired at NZRU.  Here is what former All-Blacks coaches used in order to get the players really narked before kick-off.

- Made the players repeatedly watch the Max Boyce Live skit about ‘Humpty Dumpty’

- Paid the travel company to ‘accidentally’ get confused about signage arrangements and stick a bloody great “C’mon Australia” banner down the side of the team bus.

- Handed out fake translations of the Welsh national anthem insinuating the colour black is bad, only ponces like silver ferns, and that NZ sheep are inferior to Welsh ones.  

- Convinced them that playing a home Wales international at Wembley Stadium is a practical joke designed to confuse “those stupid Kiwis”. 

- Got the stadium announcer to say “Number Sucks (that’s sucks by the way, not six) – Jerry Collins” when reading out the team sheet.  

- Told the players that ‘Seland Newydd’ means ‘The Wankers Team’

- Booked the team to stay in the Angel Hotel the night before. 

Shitting hell Steveo, that last one was a total masterstroke!!
I keep coming back to how well the whole haka thing played out last time though.  We’re struggling for inspiration here, so maybe we should just spin that again?




From: Steve Hansen (
To: Graham Henry (
Subject:  Re: Pre-match motivation – Wales
Date: 03 November 2009 (11:33 NZST)

The thing is Grayo; we both already agreed it can’t be the haka again.  First it was pretending we weren’t allowed to do the haka on the pitch and getting the guys to do it in Westgate Street car park instead.  Then last time – and we shouldn’t have done two haka related ones in a row, it’s looked too obvious IMHO – warning the boys that the Welsh lads would probably just gaze up at the big-screen looking for Charlotte Church’s baps rather than watch us strutting our ancient ceremonial whatnot.
How about telling the fellas that Dame Kiri Te Kanawa is being held hostage?  In Neath?