‘Empty seat’ envy drives new Dragons investment

Financial backers are considering adding an extra tier of seating to plans for the regeneration of Newport Gwent Dragons’ Dave Parade ground, as the original 15,000 capacity is no longer considered sufficient.

“As the Ospreys, Scarlets and now Blues have shown, having  row upon row of empty seats shining in the floodlights adds significantly to the wonderfully solemn, funerial atmosphere of a rugby match and looks bloody great on the telly,” commented a Dragons treasurer.  “We had nearly 5,000 in here on the weekend, so if we made the capacity just a few times that then you’d never see what eleven tonnes of cheap black and amber plastic would look like as the backdrop to a dour kicking war against Calvisano.”

Dragons officials are adamant in their desire to follow the ambition of the other regions.  Gwlad can report this strategy will also incorporate penning all home fans into one fifth of the ground, and hiking ticket prices so that only Dai Watkins, Dai Watkins’ wife, and visiting heads of State can afford to get in.  On the playing side, Paul Turner will be encouraged to sign some unknown Tongans with dubious Super 14 pedigree, on loan… from Japan/retirement.

In related commerical news, Red Bull are reportedly reviewing their endorsements commitment to the Cardiff Blues.  The deal could be upped to £50,000 a year with the caveat that coach David Young and ace Aussie fly-half Sam Not-My-Night are banned from being filmed anywhere near any of the free cans.

Williams Gets Wales On Sunday’s “Welshman of the Year Award 2009”.

Disgraced Harlequins wing-cum- wannabe vampire, Tom Williams, has claimed the un- coveted “Wales On Sunday Welsh, Welshman of the Year Award 2009.” The Idris Elba Award, which is handed out annually by the ‘paper’ to anyone with a tangential Welsh link, is usually left until the end of the calendar year. This year is different though with Williams 8 month impact being so impactful. That’s a word. Look it up.

“Williams has done more to raise the awareness of Wales since that guy who hacked off his own balls, or perhaps the bloke in Pontyberem who had sex with a lamppost.” Stated WoS Welsh Exiles Editor, Dave Shallow. “Wherever you are, in Llandaff, The Cayo, Cathedral Road, or a corner of Clwb Ifor Bach, everyone’s talking about Haemoglobingate” brayed Shallow loudly into a mobile.

Shallow was optimistic that, unlike Williams, the story will run and run. “Wales’ profile has now gone sky high. All we have to do is remind people of Williams’ Welsh links. We’re thinking of getting Kylie Minogue to hand out the award. Or failing that, perhaps she’s got a second cousin somewhere in the Merthyr. If all else fails, I’ve got Stuart Cable’s fax number somewhere.”

Communication breakdown threatens Dave Parade curtain raiser

Match preparations ahead of NG Dragons’ opening Magners  League game against Ulster are in disarray as none of the players can understand a word the coaches are telling them.

Particular concern surrounds sonically-challenged head coach Paul Turner, whose bass baritone verbal range has deepened to such an extent that only large whales and other seaborne mammals are capable of understanding him.  In fact, marine biologists investigating the death of a beached Minke off Barry Island this week believe the tragedy was caused when the beast was called onto the rocks during Turner’s bank holiday tackle bag session, when it mistakenly heard the word ‘krill’ being shouted in ultra-low frequency.

“It’s all because Lyn Jones has left,” commented a backroom staff member, through an interpreter.  “He was originally recruited because his vibrato used to bring Paul back from the brink.  There’s been talk of bringing Moriarty in from the Scarlets but he’s too operatic, likes…”

The Dragons’ other training staff, forwards coach Leigh Davies (moustache interference) and defence maestro Colin Charvis (insistence on speaking in broken, sub-GCSE grade Welsh) are similarly unable to make themselves understood.

Meanwhile Ulster coach Brian McLaughlin was unsympathetic:  “Aaarl teyms gor threyw theys toyps a proyblems,” he said (probably).  “Weyd play um royt noy uf we kerrd.”

Munster to patent rolling maul

Munster have stunned Glasgow Warriors with the threat of legal action ahead of Friday night’s Magner’s league opener at the Firhill Arena.

Oversize leprechaun Paul O’Connell announced the move at a press conference last night saying, “Munster can proudly reveal that we have successfully patented the rolling maul. It is now for the sole use of Munster rugby and we warn Glasgow that any attempt to use it on Friday night will be treated as a breach of copyright and will trigger legal action. We’ve been illegally stopping teams from playing for years but now we’ve got the paperwork to back us up”.

The maul was set to be heavily used by Glasgow, mainly because their backs can’t run and pass at the same time. They are understood to be frantically trying to come up with some new tactics, so far with no success.

The news will come as another setback to the IRB who have reintroduced the maul following last year’s pointless Experimental Law Variations trial. It is also seen as confirmation of Munster turning their back on passing the ball beyond their outside half. “We tried it and we didn’t like it”, said a jubilant Munster fan “we’re going back to what we like best, 80 minutes of turgid forward play and a few up and unders”.

In further developments, Munster have also taken out patents on being more than 2m offside at the breakdown, killing the ball at rucks and generally moaning when teams do to them as they do to others. Ronan O’ Gara’s attempt to patent being shit at rugby was turned when it was discovered that the patent was already held by Gregor Townsend.

Nigel Davies Delighted With 100 Per Cent Start.

The Magner’s League has started with a bang for Nigel Davies and the Super Soaraway Scarlets. Three days before the start of the season and they are yet to lose a Magner’s League Game. “This is a tremendous record and matches our other pre-Season non-Magner’s League Magner’s League records from our previous years.” wibbled Davies.

When it was pointed out that the Scarlets had still failed to score a point in any of the non-games, Davies quipped “That’s up there with the Leinsters, Munsters and Connaughghthughts of this world. So I’m happy. The youngsters have also equipped themselves well. They’ve made sure that this success hasn’t gone to their heads, bless ‘em. Daniel Evans is only 12! He drew me a picture of Stephen Jones kicking a ball. At least I think it’s a ball. It was purple anyway and a bit square. But I’ve put that picture on my fridge. And you can’t argue with quality like that!”

Gwlad’s ace reporter tracked down Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “I’m no longer Scarlets’ forwards’ coach” stated ex-Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “And what are you doing in my house? It’s four o’clock in the morning!!” he quipped.

In related news, Stuart Gallagher also no longer works with the club. Doesn’t anyone tell me anything???? Have I got to work all this stuff out for myself?

Henson to Take Leave of His Senses.

In a bold move to allow one-man, crisis club Gavin “Gallactico” Henson time to relax, the Ospreys are believed to be considering allowing Henson to take complete leave of his senses.

“Coach” Shaun Holley stated, “It’s been a rough few years for Gavin. He missed out on a third Grand Slam, didn’t get signed up for Strictly Come Dancing and saw metrosexual grooming products advertising revenue being taken by such global superstars as Tiger Woods, Thierry Henry, Roger Federrererer and, I don’t know, Danny Dyer. Look, I don’t spend all day long watching adverts. I’ve got defensive patterns to wish I knew something about. Don’t you know how busy I’m pretending to be?”

This leave of absence is said to include journeying outside the current plains of existence into another reality.

“I’ve always been interested in parallel universes,” moaned Henson.  “Like what would a world where Germany won the Battle of Britain be like? What difference would it make if it were the Newport GWENT Dragons and What if Spiderman had joined the Fantastic Four.”

One kick, two tackles, three dimensions Henson may decide to travel outside the whole of time / space itself into totally uncharted territory. “As long as they’ve got ITV4 on Freeview, I’d be happy. I loves a bit of Poirot, I does. Oh and Aerobics Oz Style. But don’t tell Charlotte! She hates Ozzies. She reckons they’ve all got lice,” said the gelled, tanned, waxed latter day Barry John, yesterday.

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