Wales was again rocked last night after one of it’s most loved superstars made shocking revelations about their sexuality.Derek “the weatherman” Brockway, much loved star of such shows as BBC Wales 6:30 news and BBC Wales 9:30 news, announced that he was straight.
“Straight as a dye” he told a stunned news conference, “you know, girls and stuff”.
Visibly stunned newsreader Kevin Owens said “that’s taken the wind right out of my sails.That’s the last time me and Max have him round for a barbeque”, adding “never in a million years”.
Asked what prompted him to make the news public Derek cited the recent actions of former Wales captain Gareth Thomas. “Not the brave stance he’s taken over declaring his sexuality to a possibly hostile public” said Derek “more because he kept nudging me on Facebook and asking me round for drinks.I just thought the time had come to set the record straight”.
Plans to rename the WRU’s North Walian regional franchise from its provisional ‘Gogledd Cymru’ (North Wales) to the arguably less catchy ‘RGC 1404’ have been met with stunned silence and incredulity from the team’s fledgling fan base.
“We had a whole bunch of crowd chants all worked out, and now we have to go back to the drawing board,” commented Euros ap Llewellyn, President of the Rygbi Gogledd Cymru Supporters Association. “Ones like ‘Goggy, Goggy, Goggy, Oi, Oi, Oi’ – all bloody wasted now. Me and Gerallt will have a job composing a new set. This new name sounds like a bloody number plate.”
Media outlets are similarly despondent about the new name, and are expected to struggle to get it right in their listings. Sky Sports, who took a good two seasons to work out the Ospreys had dropped their politically charged ‘Neath-Swansea’ prefix, plan to respond by pretending that North Wales does not in fact exist.
The WRU meanwhile maintain that, rather than sounding like the stocking code for a plywood coving joint, the new name reflects the aspiration and future looking perspective of the team, by incorporating the year over six centuries ago when Owain Glyndwr proclaimed Welsh independence. “You can’t knock Owain Glyndwr,” claimed Dai Pickering at the region’s official launch. “You can get pitchers of SA for £10 each in there, and they even put on a stripper some Friday lunchtimes.”
Sources close to the Canadian Rugby Union believe that the name is based on the suggestion it tabled of ‘1664’, and believe they were given the green light (albeit a botched one) on account of supplying much of the professional playing base for the side’s first few seasons. “Our French Canadian players are all partial to a drop of Kronenberg 1664, and really like that particular year, coming as it did…just before the plague,” quipped an unnamed maple syrup-sucking lumberjack mountie.
Sardis Road committeemen are up in arms at the revelation that Pontypridd RFC’s famous ‘spirit’ has been stolen. The spirit, used to such success in early Heineken Cup encounters, notable cross-border skirmishes and other circumstances requiring of ‘backs-to-the-wall-we-might-be-underdogs-but-we’re-nobody’s-poodle’ gumption, was reported missing last night, though the fabled item may have been taken far earlier.
“The spirit was always kept in a gilded can of Albright above the main economy 7 heater in the clubhouse, in pride of place next to the Neil Jenkins shrine,” commented local historian Delme Prosser-Perkins. “Just before the Celtic Warriors were established, it was removed to the Brewery Field in Bridgend as part of the merger deal. That was all hushed up at the time, naturally. It came back after the Warriors went tits-up likes – but there were always rumours among those who knew about whether it had been replaced by a different substance.”
Police forensics experts are examining the remaining fluid – which purportedly smells a bit like Dennis John’s cough medicine – to determine its authenticity, while following up claims that Newport Gwent Dragons are in current possession of the true stolen goods.
“We draw no conclusions at this stage, though admittedly it is a bit suss,” commented Detective Chief Superintendent Keith Moon of South Wales Police. “The Dragons have got no money, few players anyone has ever heard of, a rubbish ground, and thousands of vociferous one-eyed supporters. It’s a bit of a coincidence that they are playing attractive, stoic, winning rugby isn’t it? If Cardiff start pinching all their best players then we’ll really know for sure.”
Famous for their fondness for beef at every meal, Argentina are a collection of big lads who stink of mince at the best of times. Wales insist on closing the roof against them if rain is forecast, to prevent the honk of beaten leather becoming too much of a distraction.
In honour of their passion for meat-related foodstuffs, GwladRugby.com has carefully researched an all time World XV for them to stick their teeth into. Buen apetito!
Coach: Declan Kidney
1. Gethin Jenkins (aka Melon)
A traditional starter to a big feast
2. Gordon Bulloch
But you couldn’t eat a whole one, surely?
3. Dave Hilton (aka McChop)
Questionable whether this Bristolian butcher is in fact from a Scottish source
4. John Eels
This misspelt slippery Aussie packs a punch
5. Hoani McDonald
Not the best quality, but that’s McDonald’s for you
6. Schalk Burger
Need we say more?
7. Martyn Williams (aka Nugget)
This bite sized morsel is not ‘chicken’
8. Sebastian Cheval (oh alright… Chabal)
Thoroughbredly good eating though
9. Gavin Cattle
Mooooooving the pack all over the pitch
10. Ryan Lamb
This diminutive playmaker has purportedly tender joints. Shame he’s only from an English farm.
11. Clyde Rathbone
Something to nibble on, in a hurry
12. Mike Catt
Had a fantastic Korea
13. Jannie de Beer
The perfect accompaniment
14. Tom Shanklin (aka Shanks)
Best if slow-cooked, which is just as well as he gets slower every season
15. Dusty Hare
A bit old but still a delicacy
Have we missed anyone out, or worse still over-cooked it?
BBC Radio Wales has a special “morning of the match” programme on the day of the big game, where we broadcast the breakfast programme from The Angel Hotel, which is one of the hotels near the Millennium Stadium, opposite Cardiff Castle.
We’re looking for Welsh rugby fans, and also any Argentinians who live in or near Cardiff, or who are coming especially for the game and are staying here on Friday night, and would like to come along to our Outside Broadcast.
The programme is on air between 7am-9am.
The aim is to kick start the day with lots of atmosphere and build up the excitement to the game. Naturally at 7am we have to do our best to create a bit of atmosphere – which is where the fans come in.
We’d like to group together different people at The Angel on Saturday November 21 for the Wales v Argentina game, so that the presenter (Gareth Lewis) can have plenty of people to chat to over the course of the programme. It’s a relaxed format, with lots of talk about the fans’ expectations, their critique of the team’s performance so far, strengths, weaknesses etc, but also a bit of banter about their own background – where they’ve come from, who they’re there with, plans for the day, and so on.
As you can guess, it would involve an early start, and we’d be looking to get fans to the hotel just before 7am and ideally stay until 9am, but if they need to come and go that shouldn’t be a problem.
Please call India @ BBC Radio Wales on 029 2032 2141 or 029 2032 2142 if you can help.
Human cue-ball Shaun Edwards is rubbing his hands at the prospect of Dan Biggar taking the field against Samoa this Friday, claiming the rookie Ospreys fly-half has a bite that’s as big as his bark.
“He can tackle; there’s no doubt about it. And he can shout. By heck, have you heard him shouting? Never stops shouting that lad. Or tackling. And he does his fair share of running as well. Kicking? Lots of that as well…when he isn’t passing of course…”
According to Edwards, Biggar is also still growing, and will reach his full rugby maturity in time for the 2011 World Cup, when he finally turns 16.
“By the time this kid gets through puberty, I reckon he’ll be about 7 feet tall and weigh 20 stone,” frothed Edwards. “And he’ll be able to tackle and pass at the same time, or shout and run, or kick and pass. He’s right good at multi-tasking. You know… like a woman. Wilkinson can’t fookin manage that. And it pains me to say it – neither can Cipriani.”
Edwards has also been busy prepping giant lock Luke Charteris for the upcoming encounter against the South-Sea Islanders, with a high-impact regime of stomach muscle bulking. “A normal tackle on Luke will hit him somewhere around the knee; possibly even on the thigh. But the Samoans are famous for their high-shots so we’ve been having to firm him up around the navel area.”
Huw Bennett meanwhile, is an altogether different coaching challenge: “People ask me, what is Huw Bennett for? I think that’s disrespectful and I don’t like disrespectivenessability. Against the Samoans, we don’t need control at the scrummage, or a decent throw at the line-out. In the 25th minute, we really need someone dedicated enough to start a mass brawl and then go and hide behind Ryan Jones. But don’t print that last bit.”