Munster have stunned Glasgow Warriors with the threat of legal action ahead of Friday night’s Magner’s league opener at the Firhill Arena.
Oversize leprechaun Paul O’Connell announced the move at a press conference last night saying, “Munster can proudly reveal that we have successfully patented the rolling maul. It is now for the sole use of Munster rugby and we warn Glasgow that any attempt to use it on Friday night will be treated as a breach of copyright and will trigger legal action. We’ve been illegally stopping teams from playing for years but now we’ve got the paperwork to back us up”.
The maul was set to be heavily used by Glasgow, mainly because their backs can’t run and pass at the same time. They are understood to be frantically trying to come up with some new tactics, so far with no success.
The news will come as another setback to the IRB who have reintroduced the maul following last year’s pointless Experimental Law Variations trial. It is also seen as confirmation of Munster turning their back on passing the ball beyond their outside half. “We tried it and we didn’t like it”, said a jubilant Munster fan “we’re going back to what we like best, 80 minutes of turgid forward play and a few up and unders”.
In further developments, Munster have also taken out patents on being more than 2m offside at the breakdown, killing the ball at rucks and generally moaning when teams do to them as they do to others. Ronan O’ Gara’s attempt to patent being shit at rugby was turned when it was discovered that the patent was already held by Gregor Townsend.
The Magner’s League has started with a bang for Nigel Davies and the Super Soaraway Scarlets. Three days before the start of the season and they are yet to lose a Magner’s League Game. “This is a tremendous record and matches our other pre-Season non-Magner’s League Magner’s League records from our previous years.” wibbled Davies.
When it was pointed out that the Scarlets had still failed to score a point in any of the non-games, Davies quipped “That’s up there with the Leinsters, Munsters and Connaughghthughts of this world. So I’m happy. The youngsters have also equipped themselves well. They’ve made sure that this success hasn’t gone to their heads, bless ‘em. Daniel Evans is only 12! He drew me a picture of Stephen Jones kicking a ball. At least I think it’s a ball. It was purple anyway and a bit square. But I’ve put that picture on my fridge. And you can’t argue with quality like that!”
Gwlad’s ace reporter tracked down Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “I’m no longer Scarlets’ forwards’ coach” stated ex-Scarlets’ forwards’ coach, Paul Moriarty. “And what are you doing in my house? It’s four o’clock in the morning!!” he quipped.
In related news, Stuart Gallagher also no longer works with the club. Doesn’t anyone tell me anything???? Have I got to work all this stuff out for myself?
In a bold move to allow one-man, crisis club Gavin “Gallactico” Henson time to relax, the Ospreys are believed to be considering allowing Henson to take complete leave of his senses.
“Coach” Shaun Holley stated, “It’s been a rough few years for Gavin. He missed out on a third Grand Slam, didn’t get signed up for Strictly Come Dancing and saw metrosexual grooming products advertising revenue being taken by such global superstars as Tiger Woods, Thierry Henry, Roger Federrererer and, I don’t know, Danny Dyer. Look, I don’t spend all day long watching adverts. I’ve got defensive patterns to wish I knew something about. Don’t you know how busy I’m pretending to be?”
This leave of absence is said to include journeying outside the current plains of existence into another reality.
“I’ve always been interested in parallel universes,” moaned Henson. “Like what would a world where Germany won the Battle of Britain be like? What difference would it make if it were the Newport GWENT Dragons and What if Spiderman had joined the Fantastic Four.”
One kick, two tackles, three dimensions Henson may decide to travel outside the whole of time / space itself into totally uncharted territory. “As long as they’ve got ITV4 on Freeview, I’d be happy. I loves a bit of Poirot, I does. Oh and Aerobics Oz Style. But don’t tell Charlotte! She hates Ozzies. She reckons they’ve all got lice,” said the gelled, tanned, waxed latter day Barry John, yesterday.
David Cameron has launched into the Bloodgate debate sweeping through the English premiership by launching a furious broadside at Gordon Brown. During angry scenes at Prime Minister’s question time Mr. Cameron rounded on Gordon Brown, saying “This is just another example of the government’s inability to lead this country. We are rapidly becoming the laughing stock of world rugby. The Conservatives demand that every blood substitution for the last 4 years be investigated by an independent commission,” finishing with his obligatory “what we need is a change of government.”
Angry scenes in the commons
Mr Cameron is thought to be lining up former Harlequins coach Dean Richards to lead the investigation. A Tory party spokesman explained “Dean has been there as a player and a coach at the top end of the game. Who better to lead this investigation? Plus, as an ex-policeman he’s bound to be as honest as the day is long.”
Earlier in his web blog Mr. Cameron had promised to cut out the use of blood capsules amongst Tory backbenchers who frequently feign injury to get out of parliamentary debates. “Anyone found using blood capsules will be subject to party disciplinary procedures and may be thrown out of the party” he said. CCTV footage of former Welsh office minister and part time mimester John Redwood taking a blood capsule out of his sock then being ushered out of the house of commons and into a nearby pub by Anne Widdecombe has been taken off Utube for legal reasons.
RFU boss Francis Baron has been sceptical about Mr. Cameron’s motives saying “it’s just another bandwagon for the Tories to ride. It’ll be gay pride next week.”
South African sport was rocked by another scandal last night after it emerged that SARFU had demanded that Percy Montgomery undergo a gender test. The move follows an independent review of South African players expense submissions from the 2007 World Cup Finals and is being likened to the furore surrounding 800m he/she runner Caster Semenya being forced to prove he/she is a woman.
Former Newport stalwart Rod Snow says the Newport squad always had their doubts about Montgomery. “He’d turn up for training in his kit then go straight home again without changing. He said he had a state of the art power shower in his home in Liswerry and preferred to use that. We did see him naked a few times after away matches but just assumed he was doing that thing where you stick your cock and balls between your legs and pretend you’re a woman. The boys love that.”
The move could see all future Springboks having to prove their gender before being allowed to don the Green jersey a SARFU spokesman revealed, adding “we’ve got a proud record of discrimination in our country and this just adds another string to our bow.”
Gary Teichmann, former Newport skipper, leapt to his countryman’s defence saying “Percy’s got nothing to prove. He’s done everything possible in rugby and no one can take that away. He’s got nothing to hide”. However, when pressed by Gwlad for details of the Newport preseason tour of Bangkok in 2000 Teichman would only say “What goes on tour stays on tour”.
Francois Pienaar refused to comment.
Percy Montgomery (left)
Wales’ premier side, the Ospreys, are rumoured to be in talks to sign 1920’s film legend Bela Lugosi. The move has been sparked by the recent Bloodgate saga in English rugby and is seen as further evidence of the Osprey’s ambition to compete with Europe’s top clubs. A source close to Ospreys’ Managing Director Mike Cuddy said “The Ospreys are determined to match the big English clubs in every facet of the game. To that end we have invested in the best training facilities, a world class stadium and an all southern hemisphere back row. However, recent developments in the English Premiership have shown us that we are still some way off the pace. We must get up to speed on use of fake blood and special effects. This is a must if we are advance to the latter stages of the Heineken cup. Bela’s experience speaks for itself.”
Lugosi, star of cult films such as Dracula and Son of Frankenstein is no stranger to Welsh rugby having once lined up for an Austro-Hungarian army invitational 15 against Aberavon 2nds in the 1920s. He is a past master in the use of blood capsules and can feign decapitation, death by drowning and being impaled on a corner flag. He can also step in at centre if required, being considerably quicker than Sonny Parker.
Director of Rugby Scott Johnson is thought to have been instrumental in setting up the talks having previously met Lugosi whilst standing in for Gerard Depardieu on the set of Cyrano De Bergerac. Johnson is also known to be keen to sign anyone who isn’t a Kiwi.
The move will no doubt surprise Ospreys’ fans and players alike who believe that Gavin Henson is the right man to lead the Ospreys at faking injuries. “Gavin’s got it all” said Jon Thomas, “the skills, the looks, a theatrical missus and a bag full of makeup. If he can’t fake a blood injury then no one can”. These latest developments will no doubt again raise questions about Henson’s future and whether or not there is room for both him and Lugosi at the club.
Other Welsh regions have been quick to follow the Ospreys’ lead with the Dragons having already added a local children’s face painter to their backroom staff and the Blues signing Darren Morris. “Let’s face it, it wasn’t for his pace” said Dai Young. Speculation that the Scarlets were mounting a late bid to snatch Lugosi from the Ospreys were quelled when it emerged it was just Stephen Jones turning up for training.
Dean Richards was unavailable for comment.