Tonight the Scottish Rugby Union have lodged an appeal against the result of every single tournament they’ve ever played in over the past 25 years.
Speaking from the SRU offices in a bus shelter off the A1 in North Berwick, Wing Commander Jock McSporran blasted,
“Until Sunday afternoon we just assumed that we were rubbish at rugby. But now we’ve realised it’s everyone else’s fault.”
“Back in 1990, our hooker was allowed to play in a shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Thanks to cynical changes to rugby regulations introduced in the professional era, the ban on sleeveless hookers has destroyed our chances in every tournament we’ve played in since then.
“The fact that we’ve only produced one half-decent player in the past quarter century has nothing to do with it,” added Gregor Townsend (for it is he).
As the ambulances arrived to take them away, McSporran bellowed, “AND WE WON THE LAST FIVE NATIONS IN 1999!”
It was later pointed out to him by a hospital porter that Wales had in fact gifted the 1999 championship to Scotland by virtue of beating England 32-31 at Wembley, but by that stage McSporran had succumbed to the influence of extremely strong sedatives (Buckfast and Bell’s).
Andy Nipple was unavailable for comment. For once.