This Saturday proved a proud day for one New Zealandish family as all the professional rugby players on show for the New Zealand Provincegions all came from one family; the Bnz clan.
“It’s a proud day for us all, eh? We’ve bin witing fur thus, fur dick aids, eh.” Said Murray Bnz, oldest member and head of the Bnz family. “To see all of the Auckland Highlanders and the North Harbour South Land Blues run out representing my kuth un kun, it brings a tear to my one remaining eye” wept Murray like a big girl, with suspiciously muscular shoulders and big probing sausage shaped fingers. “I can’t believe they’ve dropped players of the calibre of Dan Carter. Also, some people have complained that Bnz isn’t as stupid a name as some of our other players. Well, it’s no Israel Dagg or Corey Sharon but what we lose in silliness we make up for in lack of vowels.” This isn’t the first time that whole teams have been formed by one family. “We’ve been doing it here at Cardiff City all season, but it’s had mixed results” said the Bluebirds striker, Gary Sbobet.
Warren Wales Supremo Gatland dropped a bombshell today in the midst of his Superheroes Rugby XV selection. Instead of going with the 25 capped gamma star, the Wales coach (who is taking a brief sabbatical from his Wales Supremo role) has decided to select son of Jor El, Superman at loose head. “Kal is not only a bona fide powerhouse, but he’s also really mobile around the park and is very good in the air. Very good. He’s also got that ice breath thing going on that doesn’t really help us much in the set piece but helps chill the after match champagne.” explained Wales Gatland Warren Supremo. Man’s connection with the media world is also seen as a boon. “Big Blue is very close to the papers. In fact I think he’s smashing that reporter from the Daily Planet. They’re our glamour couple; our team’s version of Mike Tindall and Cheryl Cole.”
Supremo Wales Gatland Warren has upset some with his choice. Sports scientist and radiation specialist Dr Bruce Banner was clearly worried by the move. “I can’t understand it. As the game goes on The Hulk just gets stronger and stronger. This is just anti-greenist and I think that the International Superheroes Rugby Board should apologise to Ireland about this. It’s just…..so….un….fair….I….can’t…..no….NOT NOW!…..ARGGHHHHHHH! HULK SMASH PUNY EDWARDS!!!!” stated The Hulk as he interupted the interview. “Hulk HATE vowel SHORTENER!!!!” he added before ripping the turret off a tank and using it to hit another tank.
“We’ve looked at videos of the games” explained Sauron Weepremo Gales Watland yesterday. “The Hulk just gives away too many penalties. And he gives them away at vital points of the match, like during the anthems, during other penalty kicks and after match interviews. And it’s costing us a small fortune in tank turret repairs. However he’s still not quite as bad as your average Welsh forward.”
Superhero XV (vs Supervillan XV on April 2nd 2011)
15. Silver Surfer
14. The Flash
10. Dr Strange
2. The Thing
4. Mr Fantastic
7. Black Bolt
It is understood that Gavin Henson wasn’t considered for the squad due to injury.
As the time taken to have a successful scrum in international rugby matches is rapidly approaching a length that would excite Professor Brian Cox, IRB chiefs have been puzzling over what to do. Possible solutions have been varied and include:
* ignoring the knock on that caused the scrum in the first place (Paddy O’Brien)
* ignoring the forward pass that caused the scrum in the first place (Wayne Barnes)
* have free kicks instead of scrums (most of Australia), and
* just stand up during the scrum (John Hayes, Steve Thompson et al)
A new radical measure is going to be trialled during the Super XXVIIs. This will be the joining of the line-outs to the scrums. “Ut’s un amazing moooove” said an alternate universe’s David Moffett. News of the new super-set piece excited those in and out of the rugby world. “This……is quite simply…..what I’ve been. Looking forward. To. Since I was interested. In rugby……and space….when I was a small….boy.” said Professor Brian Cox from on top of a bloody mountain. “Rugby will gain trillions, of trillions, of trillions of new supporters. In this way. Aren’t stars brilliant!!!?!” he added, in the middle of a South American desert.
Some may say that it’s not enough that we in the UK are lending our nearest (in language terms – yes, I know it’s hard to believe they’re speaking English) neighbours £15,000 Quazillion to pay off what amounts to gambling debts. Now we in the UK have been inflicted by Mrs Browns Boys, an Irish “comedy” which is funny in much the same way that Bono is “Inspirational”. “You know it’s high time we amalgamated Iceland and Ireland into one great big financial accident waiting for somewhere to happen, and be done with it” stated former Welsh Rugby supremo, Graham Moffet in a dream I had last night.
In a ground-breaking move, the IRB are to apologise for failing to pick up on Thierry Henry’s goal against them in the 2010 World Cup qualifier. “We should have noted that it was the wrong kind of ball. The try should not have stood. Even though everyone is talking about it being a ‘quick throw’ when in fact it was a conventional one.” an official spokesman officially spake. “We’re also very sorry about Bonio, off of U2. We’ve tried our best but even after giving him a Red card (and other Red merchandise) he still won’t shut the hell up. And don’t get me started on Patrick Kielty or Dermot O’Leary.”
An end of an era rapidly approaches. This season will see the last of Matthew J Watkins (‘s middle initial). In what has been a perfectly symmetrical career, the Newport-Llanelli-Llanelli-Newport, Tommy Cooper-loving rugby player Matthew ‘the middle initial formally known as J’ Watkins will finally put up his boots. Of his middle initial. “I’ve had a great career” said the player that Scarlets fans knew as ‘The Jayster’, “but I’ve always wanted to go out at the top and that’s what I’m doing at Newport. Rodney Parade will be the last place people will see me play (using J as a reminder of my middle name).”
Matt Watkins (‘middle initial J) has received many tributes from all around the rugby world. Former Dragons coach Ian McIntosh was devastated “What are you doing phoning me up at 4 o’clock in the morning, my man. I’ll give you a middle digit naaaaw!!!!!” he said, enthusiastically. Former Dragons coach and Hiberniaophile Mike Ruddock was almost in tears. “Sorry, you’ve caught me at a bad time. I was putting some shelving up and hit my thumb with a hammer. Matthew who? Sorry, I can’t remember, 2005 was such a long time ago.” he told us in a Gwlad exclusive. Former Dragons coach Paul Turner was outspoken in his criticism of the move “Libya has had to put up with too much from the Arabs for whom it has poured forth both blood and money.” he said in a voice that sounded a lot like colonel Gaddafi’s.
So what next for Matthew Watkins (‘ middle initial). “Well” answered Watkins “unfortunately” added Watkins, “I’ve” interjected Watkins “failed to receive a sponsorship deal (for the J), but hope to somehow move it into advertising” said the plainly monikered Matt Watkins.