With Shane Williams failing to fight the aging process, the oncoming international retirement of the Swansea-Bay Ospreys star will leave a yawning gap in Wales’ attacking game. To fill this gap, Warren Gatland is casting the net out to find a replacement who, the Western Mail will imaginatively call, ‘The New Shane’. “Wit wiiii arrrrr licking fur, uss a mugdishan.” stated Gatland. It is believed that to replace “Amman For All Seasons” Wales will require someone with pride, passion, a sidestep, some more passion, some hwyl and who may, or may not, be short. A current shortlist has been leaked to the Western Mail. After days of soul searching on how to break the news, someone at the paper decided to copy the list out onto one of their pages. Gwlad can therefore semi-exclusively announce that the candidates include Leigh Halfpenny, Andy Howells, Dewi Twp, that bloke that was off of a WKD advert, Lee Williams, Shane Williams, Shane Ritchie and Tommy Bowe.
Wales, already the holders of the Rugby 7s World Cup, can proudly boast another sporting triumph. Beating People’s Democratic Republic of the Congo in the final, in a tense 3-0 encounter, Wales put their names in the record books as only the second team to ever win the trophy. “It was a tough game, but we knew that whoever we were to play in the final, they’d be tough.” said Barry Barry, the WLIRU captain. “The Congo team were a bit of a unknown quantity for us, despite them being the current, and five times, World Champions and the only other team to play lactose intolerant rugby.” Barry put his lack of knowledge of Wales’ only possible opponents down to a supposed ‘lack of focus on research prior to the game’ and a ‘total and utter inability to learn anything from the previous 12 straight losses in the only other games the Welsh team has ever played. “It’s the Welsh way” explained Barry. Next Saturday, the WLI team will play a charity match against the Welsh Not-very-good-with-Roman-numerals XIV.
Today, in a historic result for the people of Wales, 99% voted ‘Yes’ for more Welsh rugby wins and try scoring opportunities in the 2011 WRU Referendumb. Siefin Hefin, head of “Pass it to Shane” the pro-Welsh win alliance, stated this is a step towards sporting glory. “This makes this year’s Grand Slam one step closer. We’ve only got two games left and if we win them, nothing can stop us.” The turnout, which was limited to WRU headquarters, amounted to only 100 people (3% of the salaried staff of the WRU). Some commentators saw that as low. “When I see that turnout, it’s low” commentated one of them, yesterday. Even though the vote was today. Or yesterday if you’re reading this tomorrow.
Newport was gripped in a blaze of revolutionary zeal last night after a new head coach swept to power at Rodney Parade. The new leader, known only as “Colonel Jones” stormed the Rodney Parade stronghold with tanks, helicopters and those Datsun trucks with the big guns on the back. The move was met with violent scenes as the Colonel’s supporters clashed with those still loyal to Paul Turner. Armed mercenaries from Ebbw Vale were drafted in to restore order.
Speaking on Radio Gwent Colonel Jones addressed the town saying “The people of Newport, they love me. They are my people. Those youths fighting in John Frost square are all on drugs given to them by our enemy; Bob Norster” before adding “You knows it”.
The colonel has promised to invest heavily in the club. In the interim all revenues are being redirected to his personal bank account “for safe keeping and re-distribution”.
Little is know of the colonel’s background though it is believed he has recently held a senior coaching position in the Middle East. Rumours that he is in fact Lyn Jones in a silly hat have been dispelled due to the fact that Lyn Jones can never find a hat big enough for his swollen head.
Rodney Parade was closed this morning but several tents had been erected on the pitch where new forwards coach Saif al-Jones was putting the players through their paces. Skipper Tom Willis was impressed, “I’ve never done lineout drills under live fire before. It certainly kept the boys on their toes”. When asked about the casualty rate Willis was escorted away before being able to answer. Rumours are surfacing that Luke Charteris has been shot through both legs, though it is not expected to make any difference to his mobility round the park.