It was with great pleasure that we heard of Roger Lewis’ recent appointment as Chairman of Cardiff Airport.
Following an open, rigorous and transparent appointment process – which concluded before the previous chairman even knew he was leaving – its owners (Welsh Government, aka all of us) surprisingly plumped for the erstwhile most powerful man in pop and subscriber to Harpist’s Weekly as the man to regenerate the struggling airport.
It shouldn’t perhaps have come as quite such a surprise, however. Mr Lewis has, after all, previously grafted his way to a gig as the chairman of the “Yes for Wales” campaign in 2011 and a less stellar stint as chair of the Cardiff City Region (whose sole achievement so far seems to have been to have led to the creation of an entirely unrelated Western Cities project involving Cardiff, Newport and Bristol which completely excludes Roger Lewis). Having driven Welsh rugby to its knees over the past seven years while allowing Labour Party fundraising shindigs to be hosted by WRU members and arranged by WRU staff, he would appear to be the perfect candidate for this Welsh Labour appointment.
The 1410 from Sydney arrives at Cardiff Airport
Any lingering doubts at Gwl@d Towers about Mr Lewis’ suitability for this role were immediately dispelled when we came across a set of crib-notes prepared by Mr Lewis ahead of his anoint…I mean, rigorous interview last week. They provide the most tantalising glimpse into the type of vision which so persuaded the Masonic Lodge…I mean interview panel of his unique skillset (bullet points are all Mr Lewis’ own):
- Visit Michael O’Leary and yell at him over his refusal to run all his flights from Cardiff Airport. He will be persuaded – by this combination of forceful reasoning and a winning smile – to cancel all RyanAir routes from all other airports and will definitely not respond by increasing routes from Bristol, Birmingham and Brawdy (which will certainly not be rechristened RyanAir Brawdy Airport).
- Check that the recent agreement by Flybe to run more routes out of Cardiff was actually signed by Flybe and not by some dormant company.
- Ensure that every third flight is to Australia.
- All take-offs and landings to occur in the middle of the night so that they can be accompanied by an enormous fireworks and laser show.
- Airlines will be instructed to change all lights from plain white or red to multi-colour strobes. Existing regulations on dimming cabin lights on landing will be scrapped – planes will be expected to carry a set of disco lights and a glitterball which are to be activated during descent.
- Departure and Arrival Boards to be scrapped. DJ Spoony will remix specially commissioned original harp music to create new jingles for the PA system. Kenzie out of Blazing Squad will wander the concourse providing passengers with individual real-time updates.
- Absolutely no English or French based planes will be allowed to land. Ever. Except for when they are.
- Two-thirds of all profits will be handed over to Dublin Airport. Just because.
- Insist that all locally-based public transport and haulage firms agree that their passengers and freight belong to the Airport. They will be honoured by the prospect of paying to service such a fine national institution.
- Runway maintenance to be funded by recycling the tarmac off nearby roads (may need to employ nocturnal gangs to source this)
- All planes will be prevented from flying for two weeks before take-off from Cardiff Airport. Planes will instead spend the time taxi-ing around, being pushed to within 98% of the stresses associated with actual flight.
- Number of check-in desks to be reduced to one. All redundant staff to be redeployed to the bar area which is to be remodelled as one huge nightclub. The certain success of this venture should mean that it will shortly be possible to end all flights as passengers will be so delighted with the Cardiff Airport experience they won’t want to fly to Magaluf for their hen party
- Journodwarf Andy Howl to be given exclusive access to the baggage area for a series of in-depth articles. If he behaves, he may be allowed to carry a pair of table tennis bats and go out on to the runway
We congratulate Mr Lewis on his appointment, and look forward (while reflecting) to seeing his vision bear fruit.