Famous Rugby Players doing a Poo

This week: Dylan Hartley (Northampton & England)

"Similar to passing a dwarf"

Professor Crappenboffin says: “I’m sensing here a real girth, somewhat like childbirth – maybe similar to passing a dwarf. This is a monstrous struggle and every sinew is focussed on the manly task. Man’s lonely inner struggle is epitomised here by the heroic Hartley. I’m also picking up some genuine angry disappointment at this titanic conflict being thrust upon him unexpectedly during a live televised rugby match in front of a large audience”.

John Redwood urges Wales to be cold and emotionless against Italy

John Redwood, self-proclaimed Ambassador to Earth from the planet Vulcan, has urged the Welsh team to display the kind of cold calculating mindset against Italy on Saturday that would qualify them for jobs in Vulcan abattoirs. Redwood, whose human costume requires a complicated system of 3,000 micro-pulleys to produce an ineffective serial killer smile, insisted that this Welsh team would earn nothing but pan-galactic contempt if they didn’t run up a pure mathematical maximum of 1530 points against the Azurri.

This would allow for 22 seconds to score each of their 218 tries allowing for 2 seconds for the kick-off, 15 seconds to run it back in under the posts and 5 seconds for the resulting easy conversion – although Redwood conceded that this may require some supportive refereeing.

The former Secretary of State for Wales has been kept in a muzzle and straightjacket in a secure unit on Lundy Island for a number of years, but recent good behaviour will see him be allowed to watch the match on Saturday. “The people of Wales have always been close to where my heart should be”, stated the icy-eyed alien, “and I shall be providing whatever logical support I can over liver with some fava beans a nice chianti, fufufufufu”.


Gwlad’s 6 Nations Lions’ XV of the weekend

Debate has been going on late into Sunday night after the latest round of the 6 Nations. The question everyone’s being trying to answer is, ‘Out of those on show in the 6 Nations, what would be the Lions XV?’ Well, the waiting game is over and Gwlad can exclusively reveal the Lions’ team of the weekend:

The British and Irish Lions:
R Kearney; T Bowe, K Earls, G D’Arcy, A Trimble; J Sexton, C Murray; C Healy, R Best, M Ross; D O’Callaghan, P O’Connell; S Ferris, S O’Brien, J Heaslip.

Just to finish off the match day squad, here’s the replacement bench: S Cronin, T Court, D Ryan, P O’Mahony, E Reddan, R O’Gara, F McFadden.

[Due to injuries, the squad replacements would be a Mr P. Stringer and a Mr L. Cullen]

Wales’s most renowned piece of real estate

When I lived in London I’d spend many hours on the train back to Cardiff, my eventual destination being Cardiff Arms Park. In the nineties it was the National Stadium, and then in the 2000s it was the Millennium Stadium. But it’s always been, and always will be, Cardiff Arms Park, in spite of what the WRU may have you believe.

I just happened to be on a train back to Cardiff this afternoon as I read Bill O’Keefe and Emyr Young’s history of those legendary acres next to the Taff, “Cardiff Arms Park, Heart of a Rugby Nation,” and it occurred to me that the disappearance of the CAP prefix may be more than just co-incidence.

Cardiff Blues have recently returned to the Arms Park to play a couple of games against Irish provinces, some say in response to pressure from fans for a return to the spiritual home of Cardiff RFC. I was at the first of those two games, against Connacht, and it strikes me that the Arms Park needs to continue as a sporting venue, as its original owners, the Bute family, intended back in the nineteenth century.

O’Keefe and Young’s book is bursting with photos and pictures of the Arms Park throughout its history, and it tells a story not only of a famous place, but of the important role rugby has played in the history of the Welsh nation.

It would be a great shame if the Arms Park name was lost altogether, and rugby fans of all persuasions who are in any doubt as to the value and significance of the name should take a look at this book. One of the finest gentlemen ever to wear the famous blue and black jersey, T G R Davies Esq., puts it much better than me in the postscript:

“The very sound of it ["National Stadium"] lacks warmth, cold and impersonal like a government department acting to nationalise a successful enterprise. It is bland and unevocative, and curiously anonymous and not in keeping with a country which seeks identity and where people are characteristically parochial, sharp and colourful, aware of the image and the undying tradition.”

As the authors point out, Gerald could be referring to regional rugby and the WRU. I’ll leave it to you to decide whether you agree.

“The Arms Park – Heart of a Rugby Nation” is published by Y Lolfa.