As the Ryan Air plane brought the Irish team home today, Declan Kidney confirmed the IRFU were launching an appeal against Wales in a last chance bid to reignite their World Cup campaign. Speaking at Liverpool Airport, as he boarded a bus to a ferry destined for Dublin, the Irish coach SLAMMED Wales and accused them of blatant cheating.
“Uncle Barry lodged a complaint this morning with the IRB and we are looking to have Wales thrown out of the competition.”
Reports emerged this morning that several unnamed Irish contacts in the Welsh regional set up had produced STRONG evidence to indicate Wales were planning on featuring a GIRAFFE and a FOX during the game.
“Clearly this is against IRB rules and ruined our game plan. How can you tackle a fox?” said Irish Prop Cian Healy “He just ran right past me.”
“We knew about the lions” said Ronan O’Gara. “but we’re sure the other animals are against the rules. We don’t do dat tort o ting.”
When questioned, Declan Kidney refused to drawn into a war of words with the animal rights group PETA over Ireland’s alleged misuse of ponies from the entertainment industry. “Jamie had an off day, but will bounce back.” said the Coach, before paying a 25 Euro charge for failing to check in online and a further 10 Euro charge for using Mastercard instead of Maestro.
There are currently two kinds of people in Wales; those who are already fearing a beating from France and set for a week of utter nervous torment, and those who have embraced the teachings of the Optimism Gnome and are set for a week of delirious adrenalin-fuelled over-exuberance punctuated by occasional calls to ambulance staff to administer sedatives or slaps, and some involuntary weeing.
Either way, the economic outlook for Wales this week is grim, with those guilt-driven enough to bother to turn up to work likely to spend most of their time on the pan, at prayer, or both. Most though are expected to go “on the gnome”, securing end of tournament passes from their GP for conditions including nervous exhaustion, delirium and jippy guts.
The nation’s chapels have resorted to putting up signs outside stating that the lord is not interested in receiving your Nan or your daughter into nunneries, nor has he any planned use for the limb you’re volunteering to cut off in return for a win against France.
Health experts are fearing the worst. One consultant stated “Jesus Christ, will you look at the state of these graphs? The one on the left is the Wales of old in the 2003 six nations whitewash. See how the levels of optimism drop back within safe levels after regular beatings, only to irrationally recover again before the next game? Then look at that bastard on the right; the latest readings are nuts. The Welsh psyche is simply not designed to cope with sustained winning on a weekly basis. The combination of high blood pressure, hyperactivity and erections will lead to nothing less than people just exploding in the street. That’s right, exploding!”
Experts advise that the best way to avoid imminent physical and mental meltdown is to relax as much as possible, share a quiet pint with comrades for mutual support, try and remember that you’re not the one who’s had a couple of weeks in a Polish torture camp, and try on a pair of these…
Halfpenny uses ‘The Force’ instead of puny human vision
Leigh Halfpenny has evolved his Jedi powers to the extent that he no longer needs to use human vision. Tapping into ‘The Force’, Halfpenny now ‘sees’ space in eight dimensions and three seconds before it happens. The Western Mail asked if it was like being a bat. Halfpenny said it wasn’t. “Can we call you the batman anyway?” they said. “No, no you can’t”, said Halfpenny having had three seconds to contain his bilious contempt.
Area the size of Wales at risk of over-excitement about George North
An area approximately the size of Wales is reported to be genuinely at risk from some sort of explosion due to growing excitement over how good George North is. The thresholds of human capability for keeping a lid on such things are being sorely tested, as the Norfolk-Anglesey hybrid continues to process opposition defences like some sort of divine threshing machine.
The UN have already declared that containment is no longer the strategy and have moved on to planning for rebuilding society in the resulting crater.
‘Fiji’ now the name of choice for handbag dogs
Once upon a time Fiji was the name of marauding cannibalistic giants that roamed the countryside flattening buildings, stealing away cattle and small children, and causing endless nightmares and insurance claims. Now it is the name of Jack Russell/ Hamster cross-breeds employed by Z-list celebrity women to shit in their handbags.
‘Entitlement Leprechaun’ demands world cup victory
The Entitlement Leprechaun has presented the IRB with a seventeen-volume dossier detailing over three-thousand years’ worth of hardships visited upon the Irish race which in his view validates his case that it’s their year. An IRB statement confirmed that the route to winning the world cup would still be decided by the traditional scoreboard method rather than by finding the end of a rainbow.
Dan Carter’s state-funded concubines deny causing injury
All-black golden-boy Dan Carter’s harem have pleaded their innocence from death row over his groin-related injury. The nation has pointed an accusing finger at the 300 nubile vixens funded by their tax dollars to keep the demi-god resident on their shores lest he go to Europe again and the crops fail.
A spokesperson for the girls, known only as ‘Tuesday 10-11am’ claimed that since watching the first England game, “the Dauphin has not been moved to partake of coupling, and instead hides away in a darkened chamber, weeping tears of sorrow for the death of beauty.”