In a breakthrough move in the world of sport, The Scarlets are to share best practice with IPL 20:20 team the Mumbai Indians. “This is a great chance to talk statistics” said Scarlets coach Nigel Davies. “Although our sports might be radically different, I think that there’s a lot we can share. We can learn from one of the all-time legends of the sport of cricket, and Mumbai can find out what it’s like to act as a nurse in a promotional video from Tavis Knoyle.”
But Davies isn’t the only one mildly intrigued by his union. Sachin Tendulkar is also said to be keen about the move. Team-mate, ’80s female no-nonsense cop Dwayne Bravo stated “I’m sure Sach is very happy. One thing I know about the Sachster is that he’s almost certainly heard of either rugby or Wales. Almost definitely.” Dwayne has also learnt some key facts about Llanelli-based, Llanelli-owned Scarlets. “What I and the Sachmeister General particularly like is ‘West is Best’. As the Westest Indian in the squad, it really strikes a chord with me. And not one of those minor key chords that you get in all those post-punk bands. A proper honest chord like G or C.”
It’s thought that the Scarlets are also learning from some key benchmarking activities with the Mumbai Indians. “Obviously the Mumbai Indians are the most Indian of all cricket sides much in the same way that the Scarlets are the most Welsh of all rugby sides.” claimed Stuart Gallagher yesterday. Gallagher, who apparently doesn’t call all the shots down at Parc Y Scarlets anymore, but no one has been brave enough to tell him, went on to state that the Scarlets will go through another name change. “Inspired by the Mumbai Indians and their stadium India Park, the Scarlets will in future be known as the Cymro Llanelli / Llanelli Welshmen. We are the Welshest of Welsh. There’s no debate. All the rest of you are practically from Surrey.” stated Gallagher in traditional dress, yesterday.
This Saturday proved a proud day for one New Zealandish family as all the professional rugby players on show for the New Zealand Provincegions all came from one family; the Bnz clan.
“It’s a proud day for us all, eh? We’ve bin witing fur thus, fur dick aids, eh.” Said Murray Bnz, oldest member and head of the Bnz family. “To see all of the Auckland Highlanders and the North Harbour South Land Blues run out representing my kuth un kun, it brings a tear to my one remaining eye” wept Murray like a big girl, with suspiciously muscular shoulders and big probing sausage shaped fingers. “I can’t believe they’ve dropped players of the calibre of Dan Carter. Also, some people have complained that Bnz isn’t as stupid a name as some of our other players. Well, it’s no Israel Dagg or Corey Sharon but what we lose in silliness we make up for in lack of vowels.” This isn’t the first time that whole teams have been formed by one family. “We’ve been doing it here at Cardiff City all season, but it’s had mixed results” said the Bluebirds striker, Gary Sbobet.
Television images of Gareth Edwards’ famous try for the Barbarians against New Zealand in 1973 have made the 38 light year journey to the various planets, moons and satellite mega-cities of the Arcturus system prompting a surprise first contact message from a high-ranking official who looks a bit like a luminous krill.
“Congratulations”, began the video message, “your planet has attained a level of cultural sophistication that merits some sort of relationship with us, maybe like a Christmas card or something for starters, then maybe move on to eating each others parents like truly civilised people. We like this ‘try’ of yours and much desire to make offerings of glandular secretions at the temple which you will doubtless have built on the site of this glorious act. Take us to this Gareth Edwards so that we may suckle. What a score!”
Sadly, our first extra-terrestrial visitors (if you don’t count John Redwood) revised Earth’s new found level one cultural attainment status after it emerged that the world had not installed Edwards as leader and the Phil Bennett dance was not a universally recognised social greeting.
UN General Secretary Ban-Ki Moon said that he was sorry that our new friends had not found us to their liking, but was convinced they’d be back in 2037 when the Gibbs Wembley try arrives; probably with a massive stash of beer and ginger wigs and in a really good mood.