“Not on my shift”

The Vatican has revealed that the Pope’s shock resignation on Monday came after a long night of soul-searching following England’s victory over Ireland in Dublin at the weekend.

Sources close to the Pontiff reveal that Pope Benedict gave up watching the game after O’Gara’s penalty miss in the 70^th minute, mumbled “well that’s it then”, and sloped off to his private quarters with a bottle of gin for company.

Cardinals agreed that they had never seen the Bishop of Rome so downcast, and spent that night in fervent prayer for the return of his sprightly Teutonic mirth.

Then on Monday came the dramatic announcement that His Holiness had had enough, and despite some suggestions that a bacon sarnie, a couple of Alka Seltzer and a brisk walk around the garden would set him back on the path to contentment, the 85 year old insisted that he no longer had the strength for what appeared from Sunday’s match to be very dark days ahead.

The Catholic church has long preached the doctrine that every time England win a game an Angel starts struggling for breath, coughs up a bit of black tar, then suddenly explodes leaving a steaming puddle of rotten ooze. Benedict had wasted no time following the surprise English win over New Zealand in warning the faithful where this kind of thing might lead; Grand slams, English dominated Lions tours, and (cross-yourself) a world cup on home turf.

“A storm is coming”, said the Pope, probably in Latin to reach the widest possible audience, “and frankly I’m off to some remote monastery where they don’t have Scrum V or Gwlad soiler threads and you can’t hear the Angels scream. The very thought that I might have to hear the post-grand slam thoughts of Austin Healy is the single most terrifying prospect of my life. And that’s coming from someone who met Hitler.”

Freddy Michalak, the rugby equivalent of Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, is to spearhead the rearguard campaign to persuade the public that the horsemeat being illegally fed to them is actually proper lush.

The ‘enfant du merde’ of French rugby is to star in a new commercial to promote equine meat products. The advert begins as he walks down a typical French high street, and after only a few paces a small child approaches him and says “are you Freddy Michalak?”. The Toulon star smiles and pulls out a biro ready to sign an autograph only for the urchin to say “My gran’s better than you. And she’s dead”.  The kid treads on his foot before stealing his biro and running off.

A glum Michalak then encounters a really stunning French woman, like that Nicole off the Renault Clio adverts, who promises him some uncomplicated acts of lust back at her place if he carries her shopping. The hapless star is seen grinning feverishly as he accompanies the girl, carrying her bags, only to catch one of them on a passing bicycle spilling the fresh fruit and veg over the dirty pavement. “Thanks a ton, Jackass”, says the irate woman as she picks up the mess and shoos him away.

Michalak then walks carelessly into a lamppost, has a bucket of still-warm urine poured over him from a third storey apartment window and treads in a particularly funky dog turd in his new white trainers. Appearing to be on the verge of tears, International team mate Mathieu Bastareaud calls over to him, “hey buddy, pass me that ball”. Michalak delights in picking up a nearby rugby ball and flinging it to his chum.

“I’m not paying for that window, Fred,” says Bastereaud, “Christ almighty, I’m right here”.

Bastereaud puts his arm around his blubbing friend and leads him into a Burger bar. “Mate”, he says as Michalak holds a horse burger up to his mouth, “you’re having a mare”. The pair chortle before a large torrent of mayonnaise oozes from the burger into Freddy’s lap.

Reports suggest that any success in swaying public opinion on horsemeat may be short-lived as a fresh scandal emerges from Irish abattoirs, where tests reveal some horsemeat products contain traces of the Irish midgets in silk pyjamas that live on the horses’ backs.

Stalemate has caught hold surrounding the latest inertia of preliminary pre-discussion dialogue in the run-up to the next Welsh Rugby Professional Rugby Game Board meeting, as serious coffee and biscuit irregularities threaten to usher owners, regulators, administrators and Tracksuit Stalins back to their hideously furnished offices forever.

“The first version of the agenda I saw clearly listed ‘Digestives’ which I took to be a personal insult to all that I hold dear in this world,” commented a senior representative of the Newport Wales Europe Dragons delegation, who runs his own personal fiefdom and 12-site shit-packing factory with a strict Chocolate Bourbon only policy.  “I deserve respect after everything I’ve done for Welsh rugby.  Respect, and those little paper doilies like you get at the Celtic Manor.”

Elsewhere, on the dark side of Llanelli, feelings are running just as high over the perceived misuse of a tea urn.  “I’ve got nothing against the likes of Gareth Thomas and all those other Cardiff characters who pursue an alternative cosmopolitan lifestyle, but I’ve never had a cappuccino in my life and I’m not starting now,” complained one ex-player with vested interests and a face like an old toenail.  “All we’re asking for is slightly more money than we can possibly spend.  Oh, and those funny shaped lumps of sugar that look like very expensive animal droppings.”

In response, WRU Overlord and semi-retired hitman Dai “With His Boots On” Pickering was unrepentant,  “I am unrepentant,” he said, with trademark quiet menace.  “If I wants to gives ‘em a Garibaldi what’s been laced with arsenic then they’s gonna be eating it.  Right?”

Rumours persist that overly cheerful WRU Walking Job Title Roger Lewis VC is trying to galvanise a new ‘hard man’ image by installing a giant motivational poster on his office wall picturing broken shards of bone next to a bloodied butter knife, with the solidary word: ‘PERSEVERANCE’.   A recently installed filing cabinet has inadvertently amplified the effect by obscuring the letters ‘P-E-R’.

Online Welsh rugby forum Gwlad has been SLAMMED by a member of the public for “ruining” his enjoyment of the Wales v Ireland game. J. Edgar Hoover of Merthyr Tydfil was unable to watch the game live due to personal reasons, although when pushed on the matter, he said, “Well, I needed to clean out my shed and then take some stuff to the tip before it closed. Oh, and I popped into the supermarket on the way back to pick up some toilet roll and, as it turns out, horse meat.” All this meant that by the time he arrived back home the game had finished.

Cunningly, Mr Hoover had made use of his Sky+ box and recorded the game so he could watch it later, at his leisure. However, perhaps not so cunningly, as part of his strategy to not find out the result of the game, Mr Hoover logged onto Gwlad Rugby Chat as soon as he arrived home. He was staggered at what he found there. “It was obvious from the title of the threads that Ireland had won”, spat an outraged Mr Hoover. “SPOILER threads are supposed to guard against this kind of thing and posters should understand that not all of the rugby-mad Welsh public watch the game live.”

A spokesman for Gwlad said that this issue was being taken “very seriously”, adding that Mr Hoover is clearly a twunt and that Hook can’t control a game at 10.

A spokesman for The WRU said that a statement is being drafted and will be ready for publication this Autumn. He also confirmed, following a loud cough by the Chief Executive, that the level of debt left by the previous regime continues to plummet year-on-year.

WRU Big Knob and management show-pony Roger Lewis has trotted out of the stables fighting over claims that the Welsh rugby squad has been found to contain more than 15% horse.  This week’s revelations go to the heart (and kidneys, liver and all mechanically recoverable connective tissue) of the Wales team’s recent on-field problems, and go some way to explaining why the first half performance against Ireland was so offal.

“We have meticulously recalled every carthorse that has ever played for Wales since 1992 and, with the exception of Jonathan Thomas, all have long since retired,” claimed Lewis.  “This is not a safety issue.  We are totally confident that the team due to take the field against France this weekend will be made of the right stuff.”

In related news, the IRB is coming under increasing pressure to reverse its decision of placing the Arsenal Ladies football team above Wales in its world ranking of rugby nations.  “We want fair play,” added Lewis.  “Arsenal have had a patchy season by their standards; I would expect to see us at least in the Top 100 along with the likes of Thailand and Andorra.”

Welsh rugby fans now no longer have any excuse not to know the words to our anthem. A new smartphone app has been launched which helps you learn the words through phonetic spelling and coaching. Check it out on the iTunes store here.

The app was recently launched over in the USA and you can read more about how this went on the AmeriCymru website.

All profits from sales of the App go to the Welsh Air Ambulance Service, a cause close to all our hearts!

In an EXCLUSIVE interview new WALES STAR Olly Kohn has revealed that such is his passion for REPRESENTATIVE RUGBY / Wales that he actually bleeds red. During the course of this GROUNDBREAKING interview with Oprah, to be broadcast later this week on the the British Board of Boxing Control website, the SECOND ROW TOTEM pierces his skin to reveal a REDDISH HUE to his blood. Lance Armstrong has suggested that Kohn has been ingesting FOOD COLOURANTS since finding out that the bulk of Wales’s options at lock had received retrospective whiplash injuries from the demise of the Celtic Warriors.

Bit of politics and culture tonight, my friends. It is Ireland week after all, so we need to remind our Celtic cousins about our superior cultural heritage, don’t we?

Siôn T. Jobbins’ book about our National Anthem is going to stir up a fair bit of debate. In the week where the latest census revealed that Welsh speaking is declining in many of its traditional heartlands, the author of this pocket guide to our National Anthem is urging those who don’t agree with the words not to sing it.

Whilst I support Jobbins’ desire to defend our language and recognise its significance to our wider culture, history and identity, I don’t think we should be telling people they can’t sing a song at a rugby match.

For a start, what would we sing if we didn’t sing Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau? Hymns and Arias? And do we have to stop singing Cwm Rhondda because we don’t believe every word of the Old Testament? Course we don’t.

Our anthem is the nitro we add to the fuel tank just prior to kick off. It’s one of the most spine-tingling experiences in the world to hear it belted out at the Millennium Stadium, and I’m pretty sure its proudly sung by everyone who knows the words. Or some of the words.

The key line for Jobbins is the final line of the chorus (we only sing one of the verses):

“O bydded i’r hen iaith barhau” – in English, “May the language endure for ever.”

For many Welsh people the language is an intrinsic part of the national identity; a key component of our culture. Without the Welsh language, what is left of Wales to distinguish it from its neighbours?

The author ends with a challenge to “politicians and weak-willed people” to do more than just allow the language to “endure.” He says we should all be standing up for Welsh and actively promoting it. And that means a lot more than belting it out before a rugby match.

“The Welsh National Anthem” is published by Y Lolfa

It’s now 13 years since I started as an Admin/Editor at Gwladrugby.com. What a lot has happened in Welsh rugby since the start of the millennium. Gwladrugby was a pioneering site in many ways. A blog before the word was invented. Social media before Twitter or Facebook came along.

The site doesn’t make a penny of profit. Aside from a couple of failed attempts at advertising, we’ve never been able to make any money out of the site. However the Gwladrugby charity fundraising rugby matches, now a regular fixture in the calendar, have made an impressive amount of money for charity and have contributed to the upkeep and maintenance of the website itself.

@gwladrugby now has over 6000 followers on Twitter, and the numbers are growing at a rate of dozens a week. This is amazing when you consider it’s all done in my spare time with just a smartphone and a list of rugby news feeds.

So what’s this New Year’s Resolution all about then?

This year I’m going to be running the London Marathon in aid of Whizz-Kidz, a charity which does amazing work for disabled children and their families and carers. I’ve pledged to raise £2000 for this great cause. And you, dear readers, can help me. You can make a donation over on my Justgiving.com page, or even easier, just send a text message containing ”GWLD77 £1″ to 70070 to donate £1 to my target. I know this time of year can be difficult financially, what with Six Nations trips and detox products to be paid for. But if each of you lovely 6000+ followers gave just £1 each, that would smash through the target straight away.

If you want something in return for your donation, I can promise some exclusive Gwladrugby.com merchandise, which will soon be available to buy on the interwebs. Stay tuned for more details of that.

In the meantime, please donate whatever you can, if you like, and tell your friends on Twitter, Facebook and in the real world about my New Year’s Resolution.

Cheers,

Dan

“Peel…must be No 9 choice” medd y pennawd o’r Western Mail sydd yn ymddangos yng nghanol  Hunangofiant Dwayne Peel . Yr awdur? Rob Howley. Yn anffodus, nid sôn am gemau rhyngwladol yr hydref oedd e ond taith y Llewod i Seland Newydd yn 2005. Mae’n anodd credu bod chwaraewr mor ddisglair mor bell o feddyliau tîm hyfforddi Cymru yn y blynyddoedd diwethaf. Gyda’i bas chwimwth, ei allu i weld y gwagle a’i gyflymdra trydanol a oes yna chwaraewr mwy creadigol, heblaw am Shane, wedi chwarae i Gymru yn yr oes broffesiynnol?  Camp Lawn, 76 cap, capten ar ei wlad, mewnwr y Llewod. Ac eto mae ail hanner ei yrfa wedi bod yn un gymharol siomedig.

Mae’r llyfr, sydd newydd gael ei gyhoeddi gan Y Lolfa, yn ddigon tawel ynglŷn â Gatland; mae’n amlwg fod gan y chwaraewr o Sale freuddwyd o gynrhychioli ei wlad eto. Er hynny, mae gan Peel ddigon i’w ddweud am gyfnodau Hansen, Ruddock a Gareth Jenkins, am gyfnod Phil Davies yn hyfforddi’r Scarlets a bod o dan law Clive Woodward gyda’r Llewod.  Fe ddaw i’r amlwg, fel y byddech chi’n disgwyl, ei fod e hefyd yn darllen y gêm yn dda ac mae ganddo farn bendant ar rai o’r penderfyniadau a wnaed gan ei glwb lleol a’r tîm rhyngwladol yn ogystal â rhai o’r newidiadau a welwyd mewn rygbi yn ystod y pymtheg mlynedd diwethaf. Dyna ddarnau gorau’r llyfr, wrth iddo fynd y tu hwnt i sôn am gemau unigol neu ffeithiau ei yrfa i drafod y gêm yn helaethach.

Ar un agwedd, hanes ‘local boy done good’ yw’r llyfr darllenadwy hwn. Er ei fod e’n byw dros y ffîn, bachgen ei filltir sgwâr yw Dwayne Peel ac mae bywyd a phobl Y Tymbl, Drefach a Sir Gâr yn agos iawn i’w galon. Ond mae’n hanes hefyd am un sydd wedi difyrru ei gymuned gyda’i sgiliau gwefreiddiol a, bellach, gyda’i fenter ym mwyty’r Sosban. Hanes y bwyty, ei hoff chwaraewyr a’i hoff gemau sy’n cloi’r llyfr. Y gêm fwyaf diweddar y mae’n sôn amdani yw buddugoliaeth wych y Scarlets yn erbyn Munster yng Nghwpan Heineken yn 2007. Braf fyddai gweld Peel ryw ddydd, gyda chymorth Lynne Davies, yn ychwanegu at y gêmau cofiadwy hynny gyda gêmau sydd eto i ddigwydd, o flaen ei gymuned leol ac ar y cae cenedlaethol. Ar ôl gemau’r hydref, ac os yn ffit, mae angen ei greadigrwydd arnom ni! Dyma lyfr cryno, gwerth ei ddarllen ac yn un i’w ychwanegu at hosan unrhyw ddilynwr rygbi y Nadolig hwn.

Mae “Dwayne Peel: Hunangofiant” wedi cael ei gyhoeddi gan Y Lolfa.