Rugby minnows Georgia and Uruguay are joining forces to create their own winner takes all tournament. The newly formed ‘Duo-Nations Championship’ will boast 10 rounds of high intensity competition, and feature eye-catching match-ups such as Uruguay vs. Georgia and Georgia vs. Uruguay.
Speaking at a beer-drenched launch in downtown Tbilisi earlier, bullish Georgian Rugby Union president Dmitri Heezgotblood-Getimov dismissed suggestions that the tournament was a hasty reaction to Argentina and Italy’s recent success breaking into the Tri-Nations and Magners League, respectively.
“We admit, it is a form of protest,” he slurred. “Both unions feel most strongly that the WRU’s plan to allow its North Walian development team to billet several Canadian internationals in Colwyn Bay guest-houses is unacceptable, discriminatory and exploitative. Our sources tell us there are several very nice Travelodges further along the A55 which would be far more preferable. Poor lads…”
Insiders report the true impetus for the new league is simply to boost the international profile of the two countries. Georgians are forever tired of being associated with the place where all the fat people in America live, rather than the war-torn fatherland they call home. For Uruguayans, it is the fact that no-one can ever spell Uruguay (let alone Uruguayan).
“The arrangements is fair; after we fly on plane we respect everyones balls we have been given,” blurted a heavily jetlagged Uruguayan Rugby Union delegate. “Now we are playing with each other, no-one can accuse us of playing with ourselves.”
Financial backers are considering adding an extra tier of seating to plans for the regeneration of Newport Gwent Dragons’ Dave Parade ground, as the original 15,000 capacity is no longer considered sufficient.
“As the Ospreys, Scarlets and now Blues have shown, having row upon row of empty seats shining in the floodlights adds significantly to the wonderfully solemn, funerial atmosphere of a rugby match and looks bloody great on the telly,” commented a Dragons treasurer. “We had nearly 5,000 in here on the weekend, so if we made the capacity just a few times that then you’d never see what eleven tonnes of cheap black and amber plastic would look like as the backdrop to a dour kicking war against Calvisano.”
Dragons officials are adamant in their desire to follow the ambition of the other regions. Gwlad can report this strategy will also incorporate penning all home fans into one fifth of the ground, and hiking ticket prices so that only Dai Watkins, Dai Watkins’ wife, and visiting heads of State can afford to get in. On the playing side, Paul Turner will be encouraged to sign some unknown Tongans with dubious Super 14 pedigree, on loan… from Japan/retirement.
In related commerical news, Red Bull are reportedly reviewing their endorsements commitment to the Cardiff Blues. The deal could be upped to £50,000 a year with the caveat that coach David Young and ace Aussie fly-half Sam Not-My-Night are banned from being filmed anywhere near any of the free cans.
Match preparations ahead of NG Dragons’ opening Magners League game against Ulster are in disarray as none of the players can understand a word the coaches are telling them.
Particular concern surrounds sonically-challenged head coach Paul Turner, whose bass baritone verbal range has deepened to such an extent that only large whales and other seaborne mammals are capable of understanding him. In fact, marine biologists investigating the death of a beached Minke off Barry Island this week believe the tragedy was caused when the beast was called onto the rocks during Turner’s bank holiday tackle bag session, when it mistakenly heard the word ‘krill’ being shouted in ultra-low frequency.
“It’s all because Lyn Jones has left,” commented a backroom staff member, through an interpreter. “He was originally recruited because his vibrato used to bring Paul back from the brink. There’s been talk of bringing Moriarty in from the Scarlets but he’s too operatic, likes…”
The Dragons’ other training staff, forwards coach Leigh Davies (moustache interference) and defence maestro Colin Charvis (insistence on speaking in broken, sub-GCSE grade Welsh) are similarly unable to make themselves understood.
Meanwhile Ulster coach Brian McLaughlin was unsympathetic: “Aaarl teyms gor threyw theys toyps a proyblems,” he said (probably). “Weyd play um royt noy uf we kerrd.”