Quaint rugby backwaters Australia and England have conspired to anoint Wales the pre-tournament favourites for the group stages of a competition no one has even drawn the logo for yet.
In one of the biggest acts of cynicism since a well-known Liechtenstein based multinational bookselling tax-dodger purportedly floated the idea of selling a Kindle edition of The Big Issue as a loss-leader, neither universally despised part-time rugby nation has lost any time in starting its wind-up act as quickly as possible.
“Having just beaten them five times on the bounce, we’re as wary of anyone about the Way-oows backlash,” gobbed Brently MacIntyre, a fictitious Australian wing three-quarter with stupid hair, and shoulders like railway sleepers. “We know just what Way-oows can bring to the party. We’ve got this thing called ‘video’ that shows you what’s happened in the past. And a special alarm clock that goes off just before 80 minutes has elapsed.”
“Going to Cardiff is always a big ask for the players, and even though that’s complete cock and we won’t be playing our game against them in Cardiff either, the favourites tag well and truly belongs to Wales – especially as they are such a good group of real tryers – y’know – so plucky and full of fun, it’s the coal mining that does it…” added Robert Pattinson, impersonator of foppish English full-backs c. 1971-1988 and star of the Twilight movies. “All Wales’ players are so awfully young aren’t they? By 2015 I’m sure they’ll be much bigger and will squish all of our players into itty bitty pieces. If they are fed properly of course, with vitamins, blessed fellows.”
Taking exception to the press comments, former Wales captain (during the dark days) Eddie Butler struck a discordant tone during a blast of hastily contrived poetry: “We love being duped into being made the favourites, until we unexpectedly go 30 points behind and oh, how we love being the underdogs then… Who cares anymore, my dears? The storm clouds are gathering, we’re worrying about whether we can beat ‘Oceania 1’ or ‘Play Off Winner’ let alone that pair of prancing sods. I mean I ask you, England and Australia. It’s not as if they’re any better than – say – Ireland and South Africa; but you just know you’re going to hate every bloody minute of it.”
In related news, the entire English sporting media has signed an Al-Qaeda style accord of shared motivation, thought and belief in relation to “Welsh-qualified rugby players” and “the 2013 Lions Tour”.
Welsh rugby fans will be familiar with the script already.