Lefty human rights judges at the International Criminal Court have issued a final rebuke to Wales over its persistent use of ‘the box-kick’ during rugby test matches.
First invented by sadistic Aztec druids as a forced punishment for those who refused to look directly at the sun’s rays, and perfected by such 20th century rugby connoisseurs as Pol Pot, Himmler and Matt Dawson, the box-kick is a complicated process of needlessly giving away possession under the pretence of actually trying rather hard to keep hold of it, typically while camped in your half in close proximity to the touchline.
“The evidence is there for all to see. And it’s not just the human cost of suffering caused by these box-kicks, as individual Welsh fans descend into a state of mental stupefaction; chewing on their own tongues in despair,” claimed Duval van Grolsch, a noted member of the substance-abusing Dutch Belgian judiciary. “It’s a crime against all humanity.”
But Temporary Interim Sub-Coach Solution Rob Howley has reacted harshly to the claims, stating unequivocally that the box-kick is about as big an act of charity and human compassion that you could possibly shake a dislocated AC joint at. “Obviously, as a scrum half myself, I can sympathise with Tavis, Spike and the other fella,” he tried to say, despite his mandibles. “There you are, the ball in your hands, all the forwards eager to stuff it up their jumpers, the crowd shouting “For pity’s sake, please don’t do it again!!”, and Alex Cuthbert eagerly looking at something in the opposite direction with his hands stuffed in his pockets. It’s confusing, at least it confuses the hell out of me anyway. So you think – why not, it’s Christmas after all – even though it isn’t.”