Corinthian spirited, and esteemed down-to-earth rugby man of integrity Stuart Lancaster is imminently due to become a complete and utter twat, according to the RFU. In fact, under the terms of his RFU contract, Lancaster’s descent from honourable right and properness into smug bastard-dom is already several months overdue.
“It comes with the territory,” pronounced Bill Beaumont, a celebrated English git. “His whole demeanour initially earned him a great deal of respect from the wider rugby fraternity when he got the job, but I’m afraid that runs counter to our core brand values, critical success factors and other management bollocks. All this honesty and humility… frankly, it’s been getting to the players – affecting their mindset. Mark my words, by the time of the Six Nations we’ll have them all back to behaving like a bunch of shits, win lose or draw.”
Lancaster is reportedly undergoing an intensive training regime, comprising a series of ‘engagement seminars’ devised by Sir Clive Woodward and his evil henchmen. Each of these is designed to heighten a branch of key coaching attributes such ‘emitting contempt’ and ‘acting like a cock in television interviews’.