REVEALED: Semi Final Reaction Articles Already Submitted.

In a discovery that will SHOCK readers of the Western Mail, Gwlad can confirm that two articles, one for each possible outcome of Wales’ RWC Semi Final against France, have already been submitted for print by hacks at the paper.

The articles starkly display the blinkered extremities of rugby journalism in our proud nation; the first, blisteringly optimistic following a Welsh win, the second desperately pessimistic following a Welsh loss.

Here are the two articles, one of which will be printed in the Wales on Sunday next Sunday:

USE THIS AND EDIT AS APPROPRIATE IF WALES BEAT FRANCE:

At 0900 yesterday morning, Valleys Time, sleepy supporters sat glued to their TVs, radios and computer screens, with the taste of victory, and toothpaste, on the tips of their tongues. In the following (80/100/100 or so) minutes, their appetites were gloriously sated and now, this morning, a nation waits to find out who stands between Wales and the William Webb Ellis Cup.

Whisper it quietly but Wales have been building strongly and steadily to success at the final ever since their heroic defeat to South Africa 5 weeks ago. The exceptional victories that followed against Superb Samoa, Nifty Namibia, Fabulous Fiji, Incredible Ireland and Fantastic France mean that Wonderful Wales are just 80 minutes or so away from immortality. A nation, quite rightly, expects.

Forget all the lows of 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and the start of 2011 because they no longer matter. For the time being, this is the best Wales side of all time. No matter who we face next weekend, we know we are more than capable of beating them with a Solid Shaun Edwards defence, a Rapier-like Rob Howley attack and a WALES SUPREMO WARREN GATLAND OBE tactical nous, led by Captain Fantastic, Sam Warburton.

After the (emphatic/hard-earned) win yesterday everyone in the world agrees that New Zealand and Australia had better watch out. Wales are now a team who will fearlessly take on all comers, without the pressure of history at their backs and with the wind, well and truly in their sails.

Bring on next weekend!

USE THIS AND EDIT AS APPROPRIATE IF WALES LOSE TO FRANCE:

At 0900 yesterday morning, Valleys Time, sleepy supporters sat glued to their TVs, radios and computer screens, with the taste of victory, and toothpaste, on the tips of their tongues. In the following (80/100/100 or so) minutes, their appetites collectively became that of a starving, dark ages pauper and now, this morning, a nation waits to find out who stands between Wales and the stupid, shoddy, third bastard pissing place, arsing playoff next shitting weekend. FFS.

Shout it from the rooftops: Wales have been nothing but average ever since their humbling defeat to South Africa 5 weeks ago. The scrappy victories that followed against Stupid Samoa, Nobodies Namibia, Fumbling Fiji and Inept Ireland before succumbing to FUCKING FRANCE mean that Woeful Wales are just 80 minutes or so away from Jack Fanny Adams. A nation, quite rightly, has lost all faith.

Forget all the lows of 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and the start of 2011 because they no longer matter. For the time being, this is the worst Wales side of all time. No matter who we face next weekend, we know we are already on the plane home, empty handed all thanks to a boring Shaun Edwards defence, a plunger-like Rob Howley attack and a lack of a “Plan B” from “supremo” Warren Gatland. Even Sam Warburton only single-handedly turned over possession at thirty rucks, which, at this level, is simply not good enough.

After the humiliating defeat yesterday in front of the world’s press, who for some stupid reason had tipped Wales to go all the way, New Zealand and Australia now play to avoid the stupid, shoddy, third bastard pissing place, arsing playoff next weekend against a Wales team totally lacking in ideas and go forward and a “Plan B”. Wales are now, and always have been a team who crumble at the slightest mention of pressure. I wish a pox on them, on you for supporting them, on your children for believing in your dreams and your pets for pissing on the rug after I swore loudly at the ref.

Bring on 2015…

No one from the Western Mail was available to comment on this SCANDAL but it is believed that Andy Howell and/or Delme Parfitt are “very tired” having had to “wake up early every bloody weekend for the last five weeks” and from “not having anything remotely negative to write.”

3 thoughts on “REVEALED: Semi Final Reaction Articles Already Submitted.”

  1. This wouldn’t shock anybody who’s familiar with journalism; or anybody who’s capable of logical thought, really.

    Of course they pre-write the article for both outcomes, it enables them to publish straight away. Newspapers also have pre-written obituaries for famous people as well.

    1. Yep, that’s pretty much one half of the joke – it’s exactly the sort of non-story that the tabloids would sensationalise. “NON EVENT HAPPENS AND IT SHOCKS YOU BECAUSE WE SAY SO”. The other half of the joke being a parody of the black and white, fair weather rugby reporting in the WM.

      That said, I conceed that the WM have been pretty balanced since we lost to France…

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