There are currently two kinds of people in Wales; those who are already fearing a beating from France and set for a week of utter nervous torment, and those who have embraced the teachings of the Optimism Gnome and are set for a week of delirious adrenalin-fuelled over-exuberance punctuated by occasional calls to ambulance staff to administer sedatives or slaps, and some involuntary weeing.
Either way, the economic outlook for Wales this week is grim, with those guilt-driven enough to bother to turn up to work likely to spend most of their time on the pan, at prayer, or both. Most though are expected to go “on the gnome”, securing end of tournament passes from their GP for conditions including nervous exhaustion, delirium and jippy guts.
The nation’s chapels have resorted to putting up signs outside stating that the lord is not interested in receiving your Nan or your daughter into nunneries, nor has he any planned use for the limb you’re volunteering to cut off in return for a win against France.
Health experts are fearing the worst. One consultant stated “Jesus Christ, will you look at the state of these graphs? The one on the left is the Wales of old in the 2003 six nations whitewash. See how the levels of optimism drop back within safe levels after regular beatings, only to irrationally recover again before the next game? Then look at that bastard on the right; the latest readings are nuts. The Welsh psyche is simply not designed to cope with sustained winning on a weekly basis. The combination of high blood pressure, hyperactivity and erections will lead to nothing less than people just exploding in the street. That’s right, exploding!”
Experts advise that the best way to avoid imminent physical and mental meltdown is to relax as much as possible, share a quiet pint with comrades for mutual support, try and remember that you’re not the one who’s had a couple of weeks in a Polish torture camp, and try on a pair of these…