Halfpenny uses ‘The Force’ instead of puny human vision
Leigh Halfpenny has evolved his Jedi powers to the extent that he no longer needs to use human vision. Tapping into ‘The Force’, Halfpenny now ‘sees’ space in eight dimensions and three seconds before it happens. The Western Mail asked if it was like being a bat. Halfpenny said it wasn’t. “Can we call you the batman anyway?” they said. “No, no you can’t”, said Halfpenny having had three seconds to contain his bilious contempt.
Area the size of Wales at risk of over-excitement about George North
An area approximately the size of Wales is reported to be genuinely at risk from some sort of explosion due to growing excitement over how good George North is. The thresholds of human capability for keeping a lid on such things are being sorely tested, as the Norfolk-Anglesey hybrid continues to process opposition defences like some sort of divine threshing machine.
The UN have already declared that containment is no longer the strategy and have moved on to planning for rebuilding society in the resulting crater.
‘Fiji’ now the name of choice for handbag dogs
Once upon a time Fiji was the name of marauding cannibalistic giants that roamed the countryside flattening buildings, stealing away cattle and small children, and causing endless nightmares and insurance claims. Now it is the name of Jack Russell/ Hamster cross-breeds employed by Z-list celebrity women to shit in their handbags.
‘Entitlement Leprechaun’ demands world cup victory
The Entitlement Leprechaun has presented the IRB with a seventeen-volume dossier detailing over three-thousand years’ worth of hardships visited upon the Irish race which in his view validates his case that it’s their year. An IRB statement confirmed that the route to winning the world cup would still be decided by the traditional scoreboard method rather than by finding the end of a rainbow.
Dan Carter’s state-funded concubines deny causing injury
All-black golden-boy Dan Carter’s harem have pleaded their innocence from death row over his groin-related injury. The nation has pointed an accusing finger at the 300 nubile vixens funded by their tax dollars to keep the demi-god resident on their shores lest he go to Europe again and the crops fail.
A spokesperson for the girls, known only as ‘Tuesday 10-11am’ claimed that since watching the first England game, “the Dauphin has not been moved to partake of coupling, and instead hides away in a darkened chamber, weeping tears of sorrow for the death of beauty.”
The Rhondda STI Index
Herpes – 348
Chlamydia – 217
Gonorrhea – 142
Antibiotic-resistant throat ulcers – 94