The dawn of the age of the Orc has been postponed indefinitely as it emerged that if you just stand in front of them and pull them to the floor all day then they don’t really have that much more to offer. Orc forces arrived in Cardiff on Saturday including scrum-mammoths, line-out trolls, siege-ram mutants and wide-out nazgul wing-beasts. The strategy was to find hobbits and run at them really hard on the strict understanding from the Generals that the hobbits would grow weary of this and eventually step aside, enabling crushing victory and celebratory drinking from captive skulls. Curiously, when Orctactic met with determined heroic hobbit defence, the thinking from the Orcmaster General seemed to conclude that the running head-down at the enemy was only failing because there wasn’t enough of it. And so it went on. And a bit more, increasingly coupled with dropping the ball and allowing it to be stolen.
The Orcmaster General seemed to suggest that Orctactic didn’t work for unspecified reasons but would work on all other days for another set of unspecified reasons, giving hope to many people around the world that despite the retirement of George Bush Jnr, the chances of future moments of blundering unintentional comedy were looking strong. He also seemed to suggest that the sado-masochistic torture bridles worn by two of his scrum-mammoths that forced them to veer off sideways instead of forwards somehow warranted penalty tries and yellow cards because the good-guys didn’t have anywhere to put their heads. Everyone invited him to stand in a dark corner and think about it.
Meanwhile, hobbits were clearly delighted despite not being entirely sure how the hell that happened exactly. What was certain though was that they are in the kind of shape that mountains are made of, if said mountains could also run a marathon backwards whilst carrying another mountain, they also care to the extent that all the ale and cowgirls in Cardiff couldn’t tempt them out on the lash, and that committed traffic calming measures are sufficient to persuade Orcball to erupt at high velocity from its own rectum.