Newport was gripped in a blaze of revolutionary zeal last night after a new head coach swept to power at Rodney Parade. The new leader, known only as “Colonel Jones” stormed the Rodney Parade stronghold with tanks, helicopters and those Datsun trucks with the big guns on the back. The move was met with violent scenes as the Colonel’s supporters clashed with those still loyal to Paul Turner. Armed mercenaries from Ebbw Vale were drafted in to restore order.
Speaking on Radio Gwent Colonel Jones addressed the town saying “The people of Newport, they love me. They are my people. Those youths fighting in John Frost square are all on drugs given to them by our enemy; Bob Norster” before adding “You knows it”.
The colonel has promised to invest heavily in the club. In the interim all revenues are being redirected to his personal bank account “for safe keeping and re-distribution”.
Little is know of the colonel’s background though it is believed he has recently held a senior coaching position in the Middle East. Rumours that he is in fact Lyn Jones in a silly hat have been dispelled due to the fact that Lyn Jones can never find a hat big enough for his swollen head.
Rodney Parade was closed this morning but several tents had been erected on the pitch where new forwards coach Saif al-Jones was putting the players through their paces. Skipper Tom Willis was impressed, “I’ve never done lineout drills under live fire before. It certainly kept the boys on their toes”. When asked about the casualty rate Willis was escorted away before being able to answer. Rumours are surfacing that Luke Charteris has been shot through both legs, though it is not expected to make any difference to his mobility round the park.