Match preparations ahead of NG Dragons’ opening Magners League game against Ulster are in disarray as none of the players can understand a word the coaches are telling them.
Particular concern surrounds sonically-challenged head coach Paul Turner, whose bass baritone verbal range has deepened to such an extent that only large whales and other seaborne mammals are capable of understanding him. In fact, marine biologists investigating the death of a beached Minke off Barry Island this week believe the tragedy was caused when the beast was called onto the rocks during Turner’s bank holiday tackle bag session, when it mistakenly heard the word ‘krill’ being shouted in ultra-low frequency.
“It’s all because Lyn Jones has left,” commented a backroom staff member, through an interpreter. “He was originally recruited because his vibrato used to bring Paul back from the brink. There’s been talk of bringing Moriarty in from the Scarlets but he’s too operatic, likes…”
The Dragons’ other training staff, forwards coach Leigh Davies (moustache interference) and defence maestro Colin Charvis (insistence on speaking in broken, sub-GCSE grade Welsh) are similarly unable to make themselves understood.
Meanwhile Ulster coach Brian McLaughlin was unsympathetic: “Aaarl teyms gor threyw theys toyps a proyblems,” he said (probably). “Weyd play um royt noy uf we kerrd.”