How to find out the next Great White English Hope.

Watched any Premiership games this season? Confused by whether one player is going to lead England through the Red Sea like Abraham did for the Philistines? Here’s your cut out and keep Le Tache EnglishLomuometer calculator:

1) Is the player young?
2) Can he be described as having a lot of one particular physical attribute (e.g. Height, weight, strength, power, speed, guile)?
3) Is he stout of heart?
4) Did he once have a good season for the England Saxons / Sale / London Irish?
5) Is he English / qualified to play for England?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to all five then this player is the new English sensation.
If you have answered ‘yes’ to the first three questions and ‘no’ to the last two then this player is the new Tuilagi sensation.
If you have answered ‘yes’ to all but question 1, then this player is Simon Shaw.