Magners League games could become even more unbearable following news that half-time ‘mini-rugby’ players are threatening strike action over a bitter pay dispute with the Welsh regions.  The players, who between themselves and their relatives are known to swell attendance numbers at some matches by up to 30%, are presently paid naff-all to represent their home-town clubs in matches, 4 minutes each way.

“I am my alcoholic mother’s registered carer, and had to buy my own rugby shirt using all the coppers what I dug up off the alloments using my only toy as a spade,” claimed Tommee Leee (sic) Pritchard, 8, a utility back with Dunvant.  “A few quid is all we’re asking for, what with Gran Turismo 2012 coming out soon.  And do you know how much a gram of decent smack costs nowadays?”

But the ongoing money squabble belies a deeper struggle for fair conditions and a dignified sense of recognition, according to Mini-Rugby Wales shop steward Adidas Watkins, 9, from Gilfach Goch.  “Biased referees, poor pitch markings, having to dodge club mascots and blokes wandering about with garden forks – it’s like being a bloody slave, in a box, covered in smelly cow pats, with nothing but a Playstation1.  That’s right, a PlayStation1,” he exclaimed, between hasty palmfuls of Turbo-Gain training supplement.  “And what’s with calling it mini-rugby and tha’?  I’m a professional athlete, not some big bum with a face painted on it.”