Top Agent Claims Money Not Everything

Naively idealistic Welsh rugby stars keen to stay close to their Mam’s roast dinners and homemade gravy are driving a hard bargain on their regional contract talks by eschewing wage negotiations in favour of gaining perks, adoration and total servitude from their employers.  That’s the claim from top rugby agent Wyn Someyou-Losesome, given in an exclusive interview for GwladRugby.com, that lifts the lid on some of the biggest player deals in the Welsh game.

“Some of these French clubs are offering cash, diamonds, houses, goats; all things with a monetary value, designed to corrupt the player into being a wage-slave and forcing them to confront the sad, existential reality that their human worth is simply a neo-modern social construct, likes,” he said.  “You start playing around with numbers like that and it will never add up – literally.”

According to Someyou-Losesome, most of the recent deals he’s involved with have included perfectly reasonable demands:

George North might have stayed at the Scarlets but for the stonewall attitude of its youth team coach who refused to allow one of his players to be ritually sacrificed each week in a ‘Lucky Scarlet Drink’ ceremony deemed essential to his conditioning programme by the 18st wing sensation.

Talks have stalled between Toby Faletau and the Dragons on a new three-year deal that would see the player released to the Leicester Tigers on weekends.  The normally calm-natured back row operator is reportedly stressed out at suggestions he can’t have the Coldra to Tredegar Park section of the M4 motorway named after him.

Luke Charteris’ future as a potential summer recruit to the Ospreys was already hanging in the balance with the revelation he is not actually French, but could fail completely with the player’s “extortionate” terms.  Charteris is apparently holding out for an agreement permitting him to attend all full training sessions and corporate days walking around on his knees (with little shoes sewed to his trouser legs), wearing a bowler hat and speaking in a high-pitched voice.

Finally, at Cardiff Blues, Leigh Halfpenny is understood to be hopping mad with ruddy-faced CEO Richard Holland, having been duped into believing that the top French team Racing Metro was in fact just the name of a newspaper.  The pint-sized kicking star is understood to be on strike until Holland issues a formal apology written in his own blood, and agrees to eat a Peter’s Pie every day for the remainder of his contract.