Ian Robertson Finds Arse with Both Hands

Following scenes of panic, confusion and patronising sneers, veteran broadcaster, commentator and Rover 800 driver Ian Robertson has located his backside after a prolonged search involving both of his own hands.

“You wonder if they’ve got a lucky bag and picked some names out,” whined Robertson, shortly prior to the disappearance of both buttocks, which occurred at some point in the last 15 years.  “I mean, I ask you…(something incoherent)….. the amount of Welsh so-called players (more whining)….(reading the team sheet off a piece of paper)….JONNY WILKINSON!!!….(comment about the weather)… and now back to the studio.”

Reports have emerged of a spate of bottom disappearances across the aging right wing, superiority complex-suffering rugby fraternity.  A Telegraph rugby writer, struggling to juggle the posts of ‘sports journalist’ with ‘poisonous reactionary’ woke up on Sunday morning to find his backside for sale on eBay at the reserve price of £0.99 (+ postage and packaging), and one bid already placed by a Twickenham car park catering company.  And in a remarkable turn of events, rentable quote machine Austin Healey vanished up his own bottom, mid way through the 2nd half of the final Test in Sydney.

Meanwhile at Wimbledon, multi-purpose sports bigot John Inverdale was last seen being force-fed pieces of his own ‘rump de le rosbif’ by an enthusiastic crowd of French foie-gras fans.

“Ee iz, ow you say, not even a patch on Steve Rider?  Give me ze Huw Llewelyn Davies any day of ze week.”