Top Agent Claims Money Not Everything

Naively idealistic Welsh rugby stars keen to stay close to their Mam’s roast dinners and homemade gravy are driving a hard bargain on their regional contract talks by eschewing wage negotiations in favour of gaining perks, adoration and total servitude from their employers.  That’s the claim from top rugby agent Wyn Someyou-Losesome, given in an exclusive interview for GwladRugby.com, that lifts the lid on some of the biggest player deals in the Welsh game.

“Some of these French clubs are offering cash, diamonds, houses, goats; all things with a monetary value, designed to corrupt the player into being a wage-slave and forcing them to confront the sad, existential reality that their human worth is simply a neo-modern social construct, likes,” he said.  “You start playing around with numbers like that and it will never add up – literally.”

According to Someyou-Losesome, most of the recent deals he’s involved with have included perfectly reasonable demands:

George North might have stayed at the Scarlets but for the stonewall attitude of its youth team coach who refused to allow one of his players to be ritually sacrificed each week in a ‘Lucky Scarlet Drink’ ceremony deemed essential to his conditioning programme by the 18st wing sensation.

Talks have stalled between Toby Faletau and the Dragons on a new three-year deal that would see the player released to the Leicester Tigers on weekends.  The normally calm-natured back row operator is reportedly stressed out at suggestions he can’t have the Coldra to Tredegar Park section of the M4 motorway named after him.

Luke Charteris’ future as a potential summer recruit to the Ospreys was already hanging in the balance with the revelation he is not actually French, but could fail completely with the player’s “extortionate” terms.  Charteris is apparently holding out for an agreement permitting him to attend all full training sessions and corporate days walking around on his knees (with little shoes sewed to his trouser legs), wearing a bowler hat and speaking in a high-pitched voice.

Finally, at Cardiff Blues, Leigh Halfpenny is understood to be hopping mad with ruddy-faced CEO Richard Holland, having been duped into believing that the top French team Racing Metro was in fact just the name of a newspaper.  The pint-sized kicking star is understood to be on strike until Holland issues a formal apology written in his own blood, and agrees to eat a Peter’s Pie every day for the remainder of his contract.

Ian Robertson Finds Arse with Both Hands

Following scenes of panic, confusion and patronising sneers, veteran broadcaster, commentator and Rover 800 driver Ian Robertson has located his backside after a prolonged search involving both of his own hands.

“You wonder if they’ve got a lucky bag and picked some names out,” whined Robertson, shortly prior to the disappearance of both buttocks, which occurred at some point in the last 15 years.  “I mean, I ask you…(something incoherent)….. the amount of Welsh so-called players (more whining)….(reading the team sheet off a piece of paper)….JONNY WILKINSON!!!….(comment about the weather)… and now back to the studio.”

Reports have emerged of a spate of bottom disappearances across the aging right wing, superiority complex-suffering rugby fraternity.  A Telegraph rugby writer, struggling to juggle the posts of ‘sports journalist’ with ‘poisonous reactionary’ woke up on Sunday morning to find his backside for sale on eBay at the reserve price of £0.99 (+ postage and packaging), and one bid already placed by a Twickenham car park catering company.  And in a remarkable turn of events, rentable quote machine Austin Healey vanished up his own bottom, mid way through the 2nd half of the final Test in Sydney.

Meanwhile at Wimbledon, multi-purpose sports bigot John Inverdale was last seen being force-fed pieces of his own ‘rump de le rosbif’ by an enthusiastic crowd of French foie-gras fans.

“Ee iz, ow you say, not even a patch on Steve Rider?  Give me ze Huw Llewelyn Davies any day of ze week.”

Wales Endures Onslaught as Faces Don’t Fit

Having had rugby’s greatest living imbeciles line up to spout their semi-racist vitriol in the wake of Warren Gatland’s Lions XV selection, Wales is preparing to walk in to work on Monday morning to face a bunch of bastards eager to tear-up the Welsh flag, abolish bake-stones and construct a self-defeating funeral pyre made of coal.

“If this was Mississippi in the 1950s, then Warren Gatland would be some horrible do-gooding equal rights libertarian who’d just committed the ultimate sacrilege by naming a team containing a few… well I think you know what I’m saying,” commented one of any number of ex-internationals who should know better, earlier this week.  “But this is worse – not only is it not the good old 50s anymore, but these… beings… are Welsh.  Get it?  W-E-L-S-H.  Urrgghhh!”

In the event that the British & Irish Lions win against Australia in the final test, First Minister Carwyn Jones will immediately declare war on England for the pure hell of it, with a mortar strike on Oswestry where Stuart Barnes is understood to own several cakes and a sausage roll.  “We don’t want them to like us,” said Jones.  “Bloody hell mun, the Hatred, Mistrust and Casual Xenophobic Sleight industry is worth millions to both nations!”

We say: C’mon the Lions – ALL of you!!

Charity Dinner with The Magnificent Seven

Seven men involved in Gareth Edwards’ famous try against New Zealand in 1973 are reuniting for a charity dinner in Cardiff. Rugby fans can buy their tickets now to be part of this special event that will raise money for five Welsh charities.

The dinner is being organised by the Welsh Charitables RFC and takes place at the Mecure Holland House Hotel on Friday 25 October. Tickets cost £50 for a five-course dinner, coffee and a free drinks reception on arrival.

David said: “That try for the Barbarians is regarded as many as the greatest try ever scored. Cliff Morgan’s commentary as the ball is passed among the team is thrilling. Rugby fans that come along to this dinner will be part of a special night in the company of seven of the team who made that try happen.

“Phil Bennett, JPR Williams, John Pullin, John Dawes, Tom David, Derek Quinnell and Gareth Edwards will re-live the game and that great try as we have ‘Dinner With The Magnificent Seven.’”
All money raised at the dinner will go to the Welsh Charitables RFC Benevolent Fund who supports St Anne’s Hospice, WREX the Welsh Former International Players Benevolent Association, TY Hafan the family hospice for young lives, The Princes Trust Cymru and St David’s Hospice Care.

For information and tickets, please contact David Power, secretary of the Welsh Charitables RFC, on 07973705062 or e-mail: david.power@welshcharitablesrfc.com