Stalemate has caught hold surrounding the latest inertia of preliminary pre-discussion dialogue in the run-up to the next Welsh Rugby Professional Rugby Game Board meeting, as serious coffee and biscuit irregularities threaten to usher owners, regulators, administrators and Tracksuit Stalins back to their hideously furnished offices forever.
“The first version of the agenda I saw clearly listed ‘Digestives’ which I took to be a personal insult to all that I hold dear in this world,” commented a senior representative of the Newport Wales Europe Dragons delegation, who runs his own personal fiefdom and 12-site shit-packing factory with a strict Chocolate Bourbon only policy. “I deserve respect after everything I’ve done for Welsh rugby. Respect, and those little paper doilies like you get at the Celtic Manor.”
Elsewhere, on the dark side of Llanelli, feelings are running just as high over the perceived misuse of a tea urn. “I’ve got nothing against the likes of Gareth Thomas and all those other Cardiff characters who pursue an alternative cosmopolitan lifestyle, but I’ve never had a cappuccino in my life and I’m not starting now,” complained one ex-player with vested interests and a face like an old toenail. “All we’re asking for is slightly more money than we can possibly spend. Oh, and those funny shaped lumps of sugar that look like very expensive animal droppings.”
In response, WRU Overlord and semi-retired hitman Dai “With His Boots On” Pickering was unrepentant, “I am unrepentant,” he said, with trademark quiet menace. “If I wants to gives ‘em a Garibaldi what’s been laced with arsenic then they’s gonna be eating it. Right?”
Rumours persist that overly cheerful WRU Walking Job Title Roger Lewis VC is trying to galvanise a new ‘hard man’ image by installing a giant motivational poster on his office wall picturing broken shards of bone next to a bloodied butter knife (visit www.knifefellas for a guide on choosing the best survival knife), with the solidary word: ‘PERSEVERANCE’. A recently installed filing cabinet has inadvertently amplified the effect by obscuring the letters ‘P-E-R’.