Gwladrugby opens new boutique

Today we’ve launched our brand new range of exclusive Gwladrugby official merchandise. Mumph of South Wales Echo fame has joined forces with Gwladrugby to produce some quality Gwlad gear for you to wear or drink your tea out of.

Wind up your English mates with our subtle tableware

Proceeds from every purchase will go to two very worthy causes, Whizz-Kidz and Comic Relief. I (Dan) am running the London Marathon in April, in aid of Whizz-Kidz, so when you buy something in our store you’re helping to raise money for my marathon appeal.

Welsh rugby legend and emergency commentator Jonathan “Jiffy” Davies makes his Mumph debut on a series of t-shirts too.

Our online store can be found over at Cotton Cart. Pop in and have a browse! We’ll be adding more lines soon, so if you’ve got an idea for a design, drop us a line at dan@gwladrugby.com.

Pope resigns over prospect of English Grand Slam

“Not on my shift”

The Vatican has revealed that the Pope’s shock resignation on Monday came after a long night of soul-searching following England’s victory over Ireland in Dublin at the weekend.

Sources close to the Pontiff reveal that Pope Benedict gave up watching the game after O’Gara’s penalty miss in the 70th minute, mumbled “well that’s it then”, and sloped off to his private quarters with a bottle of gin for company.

Cardinals agreed that they had never seen the Bishop of Rome so downcast, and spent that night in fervent prayer for the return of his sprightly Teutonic mirth.

Then on Monday came the dramatic announcement that His Holiness had had enough, and despite some suggestions that a bacon sarnie, a couple of Alka Seltzer and a brisk walk around the garden would set him back on the path to contentment, the 85 year old insisted that he no longer had the strength for what appeared from Sunday’s match to be very dark days ahead.

The Catholic church has long preached the doctrine that every time England win a game an Angel starts struggling for breath, coughs up a bit of black tar, then suddenly explodes leaving a steaming puddle of rotten ooze. Benedict had wasted no time following the surprise English win over New Zealand in warning the faithful where this kind of thing might lead; Grand slams, English dominated Lions tours, and (cross-yourself) a world cup on home turf.

“A storm is coming”, said the Pope, probably in Latin to reach the widest possible audience, “and frankly I’m off to some remote monastery where they don’t have Scrum V or Gwlad soiler threads and you can’t hear the Angels scream. The very thought that I might have to hear the post-grand slam thoughts of Austin Healy is the single most terrifying prospect of my life. And that’s coming from someone who met Hitler.”

Michalak “having a mare” is the new slogan for the growing horse meat market.

Freddy Michalak, the rugby equivalent of Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, is to spearhead the rearguard campaign to persuade the public that the horsemeat being illegally fed to them is actually proper lush.

The ‘enfant du merde’ of French rugby is to star in a new commercial to promote equine meat products. The advert begins as he walks down a typical French high street, and after only a few paces a small child approaches him and says “are you Freddy Michalak?”. The Toulon star smiles and pulls out a biro ready to sign an autograph only for the urchin to say “My gran’s better than you. And she’s dead”.  The kid treads on his foot before stealing his biro and running off.

A glum Michalak then encounters a really stunning French woman, like that Nicole off the Renault Clio adverts, who promises him some uncomplicated acts of lust back at her place if he carries her shopping. The hapless star is seen grinning feverishly as he accompanies the girl, carrying her bags, only to catch one of them on a passing bicycle spilling the fresh fruit and veg over the dirty pavement. “Thanks a ton, Jackass”, says the irate woman as she picks up the mess and shoos him away.

Michalak then walks carelessly into a lamppost, has a bucket of still-warm urine poured over him from a third storey apartment window and treads in a particularly funky dog turd in his new white trainers. Appearing to be on the verge of tears, International team mate Mathieu Bastareaud calls over to him, “hey buddy, pass me that ball”. Michalak delights in picking up a nearby rugby ball and flinging it to his chum.

“I’m not paying for that window, Fred,” says Bastereaud, “Christ almighty, I’m right here”.

Bastereaud puts his arm around his blubbing friend and leads him into a Burger bar. “Mate”, he says as Michalak holds a horse burger up to his mouth, “you’re having a mare”. The pair chortle before a large torrent of mayonnaise oozes from the burger into Freddy’s lap.

Reports suggest that any success in swaying public opinion on horsemeat may be short-lived as a fresh scandal emerges from Irish abattoirs, where tests reveal some horsemeat products contain traces of the Irish midgets in silk pyjamas that live on the horses’ backs.

Milk and Sugar Dispute Crumbles Latest Regional Rugby Talks

Stalemate has caught hold surrounding the latest inertia of preliminary pre-discussion dialogue in the run-up to the next Welsh Rugby Professional Rugby Game Board meeting, as serious coffee and biscuit irregularities threaten to usher owners, regulators, administrators and Tracksuit Stalins back to their hideously furnished offices forever.

“The first version of the agenda I saw clearly listed ‘Digestives’ which I took to be a personal insult to all that I hold dear in this world,” commented a senior representative of the Newport Wales Europe Dragons delegation, who runs his own personal fiefdom and 12-site shit-packing factory with a strict Chocolate Bourbon only policy.  “I deserve respect after everything I’ve done for Welsh rugby.  Respect, and those little paper doilies like you get at the Celtic Manor.”

Elsewhere, on the dark side of Llanelli, feelings are running just as high over the perceived misuse of a tea urn.  “I’ve got nothing against the likes of Gareth Thomas and all those other Cardiff characters who pursue an alternative cosmopolitan lifestyle, but I’ve never had a cappuccino in my life and I’m not starting now,” complained one ex-player with vested interests and a face like an old toenail.  “All we’re asking for is slightly more money than we can possibly spend.  Oh, and those funny shaped lumps of sugar that look like very expensive animal droppings.”

In response, WRU Overlord and semi-retired hitman Dai “With His Boots On” Pickering was unrepentant,  “I am unrepentant,” he said, with trademark quiet menace.  “If I wants to gives ‘em a Garibaldi what’s been laced with arsenic then they’s gonna be eating it.  Right?”

Rumours persist that overly cheerful WRU Walking Job Title Roger Lewis VC is trying to galvanise a new ‘hard man’ image by installing a giant motivational poster on his office wall picturing broken shards of bone next to a bloodied butter knife, with the solidary word: ‘PERSEVERANCE’.   A recently installed filing cabinet has inadvertently amplified the effect by obscuring the letters ‘P-E-R’.

SPOILED

Online Welsh rugby forum Gwlad has been SLAMMED by a member of the public for “ruining” his enjoyment of the Wales v Ireland game. J. Edgar Hoover of Merthyr Tydfil was unable to watch the game live due to personal reasons, although when pushed on the matter, he said, “Well, I needed to clean out my shed and then take some stuff to the tip before it closed. Oh, and I popped into the supermarket on the way back to pick up some toilet roll and, as it turns out, horse meat.” All this meant that by the time he arrived back home the game had finished.

Cunningly, Mr Hoover had made use of his Sky+ box and recorded the game so he could watch it later, at his leisure. However, perhaps not so cunningly, as part of his strategy to not find out the result of the game, Mr Hoover logged onto Gwlad Rugby Chat as soon as he arrived home. He was staggered at what he found there. “It was obvious from the title of the threads that Ireland had won”, spat an outraged Mr Hoover. “SPOILER threads are supposed to guard against this kind of thing and posters should understand that not all of the rugby-mad Welsh public watch the game live.”

A spokesman for Gwlad said that this issue was being taken “very seriously”, adding that Mr Hoover is clearly a twunt and that Hook can’t control a game at 10.

A spokesman for The WRU said that a statement is being drafted and will be ready for publication this Autumn. He also confirmed, following a loud cough by the Chief Executive, that the level of debt left by the previous regime continues to plummet year-on-year.

Welsh Rugby Row Erupts Over Horse Content

WRU Big Knob and management show-pony Roger Lewis has trotted out of the stables fighting over claims that the Welsh rugby squad has been found to contain more than 15% horse.  This week’s revelations go to the heart (and kidneys, liver and all mechanically recoverable connective tissue) of the Wales team’s recent on-field problems, and go some way to explaining why the first half performance against Ireland was so offal.

“We have meticulously recalled every carthorse that has ever played for Wales since 1992 and, with the exception of Jonathan Thomas, all have long since retired,” claimed Lewis.  “This is not a safety issue.  We are totally confident that the team due to take the field against France this weekend will be made of the right stuff.”

In related news, the IRB is coming under increasing pressure to reverse its decision of placing the Arsenal Ladies football team above Wales in its world ranking of rugby nations.  “We want fair play,” added Lewis.  “Arsenal have had a patchy season by their standards; I would expect to see us at least in the Top 100 along with the likes of Thailand and Andorra.”