Seven Ways Wales Can Beat The All Blacks

Rugby pundits are blowing raspberries at our chances against New Zealand this weekend, without knowing the full facts.  We explore just seven of the many ways that the world champions can be overcome.


1. The law of averages

If the Faeroe Islands played the ABs enough times they’d eventually come up with a result.  This is the kind of positive yet pragmatic attitude Wales should take into their next game.


2. Bribes

Wales have a range of bribing options available to them and could consider deploying a combination to devastating effect.  This is in spite of the fact that Wayne Barnes will NOT be refereeing this weekend’s game, and the recent ‘de-corrupting’ decision by the NZRU to pay their players in currency other than imported television programmes and The Hobbit fridge magnets.


3. Malicious interference

Why is it that – with the high proportion of UK hotel, kitchen and bar staff coming from Australia – the instances of All Black tummy bugs, sworn affidavit bar room allegations and being awoken in the early hours by environmental health inspectors is so low?  All Wales is asking for is a level playing field.


4. Not pissing them off about the Haka

The All Blacks getting all uppity about the Haka is a Cardiff tradition and its resulting vengeful malcontent typically accounts for around 8 of the 25-30 point final scoring margin between the sides.

Wales should just listen intently, grimace and shake their legs about while linking arms in a disorderly line, like Ireland do.


5. Prayerfulness

Samoa solemnly dedicated their victory – and presumably each of the associated injuries inflicted – against Wales, to God.  With the only alternative strategy being to dedicate their victory to Rob Howley, for Wales to ape this approach only has upsides.  Not least of which would be a bigger stadium buzz for Calon Lan and Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer, as well as eternal salvation from an everlasting hell for all involved.


6. Replacement of kicking game with tunneling game

Wales has invested much in its directionless and inept kicking game in the belief that no opposition teams in the world possess a video recorder with a pause button.

Committing these resources instead to a ‘tunneling’ game – whereby players employ a pod system to excavate underneath the opposition defensive line and on to the try line beyond – not only calls upon Wales’ proud digging tradition, but is just the kind of unexpected tactic that the ABs would succumb to (in fits of hysterical laughter).


7. Become very French

Blue shirts, lumpy faces and the scent of garlic are strong brain signals for All Black players, causing immediate physiological reactions such as shitting themselves and running in the opposite direction.  Red shirts, close harmony singing and the stink of shampoo meanwhile evoke a much less negative effect.

“Zis playeur Richie McCaw…  Ee iz – ow you say – a poooff?” commented an experienced Wales international, badly.