Optimism Gnome gagged and bound and stowed away in the airing cupboard

He’s at it again. The three foot high over-exhuberant maniac has turned up for Grandslam week far too early and is plaguing the households of Welsh people everywhere with talk of easy wins and pre-ordering victory T-shirts and DVDs. Do stop it, there’s a lovely butty bach.

He’s pointing at all sorts of evidence for his manic chipperness; France want the roof open, Fofana’s been hidden on the wing, Sam’s back, the letters spelling “Cymru” in scrabble are worth “12” points – but the empty bottle of penderyn and four-pack of red bull are more likely to be the fuel for the little fella’s fit of frenzy. But when he caps it off trying to look up your missus’ skirt and starts hosing away in the kitchen sink singing ‘hymns and arias’ then it’s time to stow him away in the airing cupboard and gag him. Leave him in there with a warm flannel and a copy of Razzle and he should burn himself out soon enough.

Some say at full moon he wears a deer’s skull and rides a chariot along the Heads of the Valleys road pulled by George North and Alex Cuthbert, some say he turned down a role in the new Hobbit film over a philosophical protest at large corporate media killing innovation in the arts, some say his erogenous zones cover most of South Wales. All we know is that sometimes before a match you want to stick his head in a food blender, but at the end of the day, he’s only trying to help. He loves us, and sometimes we love him back.

Here’s to optimism, the amazing prospect of 3 grandslams in 8 years and the 22 boys trying to get us there. C’mon Wales!

Severn Bridge Troll given stop and search powers for Welsh Players heading for France

The Severn Bridge Troll – looking a bit like Garin Jenkins in the right light – has been given additional emergency powers to search vehicles heading back to France this weekend to root out Welsh players looking to sneak out to take the filthy Euro.
Roger Lewis met Troll earlier in the week to go through the new measures, which for the first time include the right to hoist vehicles in the air and shake people out, ripping the tops off coaches to peer inside and a general right to intimidate and confiscate shiny things that might look nice in his cave near Sudbrook.

Lewis has taken the dramatic action following the trickle of established Welsh stars to the Med and hopes the prospect of having their legs eaten by Troll will prevent others turning the trickle into a flood. The WRU supremo sees this weekend’s travelling French support as presenting a dangerous opportunity for players to stowaway in car boots and coach luggage holds. He’s asked Troll to look out for players disguised as accordion players and cockerels, providing the giant bridge bouncer with sample onions, garlic and cheap gauloises to get the tell-tale scent of French-bound traffic.

Troll would like to reassure non-Welsh qualified players and all who are simply no good at rugby that they have nothing to fear as they attempt to leave the Promised Land via the M4. He hopes everyone has a top weekend and the French leave for home, tired, sad and very light on prime Welsh rugby talent.