This week: Dylan Hartley (Northampton & England)
"Similar to passing a dwarf"
Professor Crappenboffin says: “I’m sensing here a real girth, somewhat like childbirth – maybe similar to passing a dwarf. This is a monstrous struggle and every sinew is focussed on the manly task. Man’s lonely inner struggle is epitomised here by the heroic Hartley. I’m also picking up some genuine angry disappointment at this titanic conflict being thrust upon him unexpectedly during a live televised rugby match in front of a large audience”.
John Redwood, self-proclaimed Ambassador to Earth from the planet Vulcan, has urged the Welsh team to display the kind of cold calculating mindset against Italy on Saturday that would qualify them for jobs in Vulcan abattoirs. Redwood, whose human costume requires a complicated system of 3,000 micro-pulleys to produce an ineffective serial killer smile, insisted that this Welsh team would earn nothing but pan-galactic contempt if they didn’t run up a pure mathematical maximum of 1530 points against the Azurri.
This would allow for 22 seconds to score each of their 218 tries allowing for 2 seconds for the kick-off, 15 seconds to run it back in under the posts and 5 seconds for the resulting easy conversion – although Redwood conceded that this may require some supportive refereeing.
The former Secretary of State for Wales has been kept in a muzzle and straightjacket in a secure unit on Lundy Island for a number of years, but recent good behaviour will see him be allowed to watch the match on Saturday. “The people of Wales have always been close to where my heart should be”, stated the icy-eyed alien, “and I shall be providing whatever logical support I can over liver with some fava beans a nice chianti, fufufufufu”.