After unveiling their new black kit for this year’s World Cup in New Zealand, the RFU has announced that the “England” team has been hard at work practicing their new haka in preparation for their return, sorry, visit to the southern hemisphere.
“We wanted something that would accurately reflect the cultural history of the majority of the team, eh” said John Lomu, a spokesperson for the RFU “and so the obvious choice was the haka”.
When asked what this new haka would look like, and whether it was a closely guarded secret, Lomu replied “Oh no, sorry, you misunderstood me bru, it’s *the* haka. We figured if we’re going to wear the kit we might as well steal the dance eh?”.
“England’s” strategy for the forthcoming World-Cup is quickly revealing itself as an exercise in subterfuge. The latest revelation about the haka, along with their new black kit, as well as the number of Kiwi and Pacific Island players on the team, has added extra weight to the rumour that Martin Johnson is planning on changing the team’s name to The Real All-Blacks, and moving the team’s headquarters from Twickenham to Wellington.
“Listen bru, those are just rumours which may or may not be completely true” Said Lomu. “There will always be an England team, of sorts. Where else are all the London-based ex-pat kiwis going to get their international caps?”
Former New Zealand schoolboy international and current “England” manager Martin Johnson was unavailable for comment.
Gwlad can exclusively reveal that the hacking scandal, much like public transport, has now hit Wales three weeks after having started off in London. It is alleged that Wales star, Andy Powell’s voicemail has been hacked by paper (or papers) unknown. An insider, whose personality and charisma wishes to remain anonymous, has given Gwlad the low down on this low down activity. “It’s understood that the hacking has revealed over 200 voicemails to Powell’s mobile phone account” stated our source, Deep Heat. “Details have been emerging slowly, but these are said to include 54 calls from Andy Powell himself, after he mislaid the phone somewhere in his flat.” Other exclusive information includes 100+ attempts by Powell to order pizza from himself, and a spate of calls from car insurance salesmen. One conversation where Powell attempted to remind himself about a brilliant idea for a film he’d just had, “Vampire Bikini Commandos”, is believed to still be at the development stage.
Speaking at an Amnesty International event yesterday, Bono, conscience of the world and millionaire saint brought the plight of 42 Welshmen held captive in Poland to the attention of the global media. Unknown captors have held the tourists at a secret location in eastern Europe in what is believed to be a pay-as-you-go exclusive venue for the rich to torture kidnapped victims for sadistic pleasure.
“Have we lorned nothin’?” Bono pleaded with a banging fist on the podium. “When yuz torcher people, you never get what you want”.
A journalist pointed out that if they just wanted to make people suffer and get their rocks off over it, then in this case they probably were actually getting what they wanted.
“Ok, ok yeah, foin. But yooooshaly – yoooshaly is what I’m sayin’ – dere’s no point to it. Deez are 42 fellas, banged up at the morcy of evil men, and they’re being kept in fridges at minus 140. Minus feckin 140! That’s like in space or whatever. Then they’re made to run around a field with dronk people shootin’ at them, troying to catch moice and beetles to eat. We can’t turn a bloind eye to this! And that’s why we’ve teamed up with Max Boyce on our latest single – ‘42 Men in a Fridge’. It’s mostly really shoit, but the chorus goes:
42 men in a fridge, why doesn’t God set them free?
42 men in a fridge, is there something better on TV?
42 men in a fridge, bangin’ on the door to be set free.
42 men in a fridge, maybe there used to be 43.
“I do this high-pitched falsetto thing as backing vocals and Edge is playing a big doorbell solo. It’s still massively shoit, though.”
After a random drunken trawl through wikipedia (the lazy man’s Big Book of Facts 1974), Wales on Sunday’s royal correspondent and chief photocopier, Iwan Philips made a huge discovery. “It turns out that Henry VII was born in Wales. This means that his son, Henry VII+1 was technically Wales on Sunday Welsh” shouted Philips down a phoneline at 3 o’clock in the morning. “This is great news for the paper as we can now quote everything he says as being Welsh. Also his kids were eligible to play for Wales. Had rugby existed.”
Academics at The University of Aberystwyth were thrilled at the news. As thrilled as an academic can be. Even more so than when they find a cardigan in a new type of beige wool. ” It all stands to reason.” explained Dr Phil McRack at the newly renamed Aberystwyth and Swansea University College. “For years we’ve wondered why Henry VIII had had so many women and got away with killing two of them and expecting everyone to worship him as the head of a religion. The answer was looking us squarely in the face. He was Welsh.” McRack, senior lecturer at the newly formed University of the West of Wales who will be writing his findings in a journal article that only 4 people will ever read, pointed to wider consequences “It’s now obvious why he had a son who was too weak to even play in the backs and two daughters who hated each other.” The Wales on Sunday wish to celebrate the promotion of Philips with a 20 page summary of all Wales of Sunday Welsh people including Kylie, Rolf Harries, Maureen O’Hara, Hugh Grant, Elvis, Thomas Jefferson and Emlyn Hughes.
Gwlad can exclusively reveal that the Welsh camp has been BLASTED by a split around Warren Gatland’s tactics for the team. One player in particular has been very vocal about the move the ball wide, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then go blind, then kick the ball aimlessly up the field and/or give away a penalty so-called game plan.
The player, who wishes to remain anonymous, poured his heart out to the Top Ten Welsh Rugby Website 1998 Winner. “It’s really frustrating in this system. As a wing, you don’t really get much chance to shine. All I want to do is jink around and score a try by placing the ball down in an unconventional way?” Complained the 34 year old Welsh squad member. “When I think back to when I was growing up in Amman Valley, the boys used to see me playing in the park and they’d go ‘Shane, one day you’ll be playing scrum half for Wales, you just see.’ That made me so proud. And then when I made my debut against France and actually did play for Wales, it was my parents’ turn to feel pride. It was certainly a highlight for the Williams family that night. Even beating my first appearances for the Swansea Ospreys and Neath. Now though, the excitement is a little lost.” complained the 5 foot 7, twice Grand Slam winning British Lion.