New RWC Kit in Striptease Scandal

A recent campaign by the WRU, designed to reveal their new RWC kit one bit at a time, has been universally condemned by groups representing angry parents, reclusive cat owners, librarians and vicars. In a sort of shocking reverse striptease, with Facebook “likes” replacing the old fiver in the G-string trick, people are being encouraged by the WRU to “like” their page in return for an increasingly stark glimpse of the kit.

Talking to Gwlad was angry parent Dai “Furious” Furious Dai Jones: “Bastards. They come over here and take MY jobs, oh, wait, that’s the other thing I’m meant to be furious about. Hang on.” After he gathered his thoughts he went on: “I think it’s disgusting and like many parents I’m furious. I can’t believe that the WRU would be involved in such a shameless marketing ploy. Well, I can but I’m still furious.” After catching his breath he continued: “Oh sure, the more you “like” this page, the more kit you get to see but what I’m worried about is that in the future, people will be encouraged to do the exact opposite of this showing less kit and more skin. Before you know it, everyone will be completely in the bloody nuddy all over the internet all because of the WRU. This new campaign encourages pornography, lewd behaviour and even terrorism in some cases. It’s disgusting and I’m FURIOUS.”

In response to such comments head of marketing at the WRU, Craig “BUY MY SHIRT” Maxwell, released this statement:

“Look, all we were trying to do was stir up some excitement because, frankly, you lot haven’t had a lot to get excited about lately. Well, not in a positive sense anyway. You all seem to get very excited about how much it costs to watch Wales lose, get frog-marched to the store on Westgate Street and then get forced to buy the big advert for Admiral Insurance that you associate, through no fault of ours, with a losing team, for the best part of £100. Sure, THAT excites you but not in the way you, or we for that matter, want. To counter this we asked, “what do people like more than rugby?” All at once, the boardroom lit up, Pickers, Moffet and I knew what answer was coming… Strippers.

In better news however, the WRU’s Facebook page teasingly revealed yesterday that the new kit would have red socks. This is good news for Welsh rugby fans everywhere, as described below in our Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature. Here is our Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature:

Recent History of Welsh Rugby Socks Feature

2005 – Red socks responsible for Wales winning a Six Nations Grandslam
2006 – No Comment/doesn’t fit in with our sock pattern
2007 – White socks proven to be directly responsible for Wales failing to make RWC knockout stages.
2008 – Return to red socks seals a second Grandslam in 4 seasons for Wales
2009 – Green socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
2010 – Green socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
2011 – White socks cause Wales to crash to fourth in the Six Nations table
RWC 2011 – Red socks expected to lead Wales to RWC glory

Socks are generally made from cotton, go on your legs and under your shoes. You should always put them on before you put your shoes on but don’t wear them with sandals. Rugby teams all wear socks and socks can be bought/stolen from all good clothes stores.

Rugby’s Greatest Moments Remembered #32: O’Gara’s head trapped in Fourie Du Preez’s Arse

“My, I’m in some considerable pain”. Du Preez recalls the moment his rectal passage accommodated a head.

As silly season continues, it’s time to look back into the archives of rugby’s great moments. Today it’s the jaw-dropping moment during the 2009 Lions Tour’s second test in Pretoria with the scores tied at 25-25, when Ireland’s O’Gara – having been on for a matter of minutes and having already oafed-up for a springbok try – hears strange voices in his head. They tell him that a kick to touch for the draw might be nice and would give his mates a chance of levelling the series in the next test, but hey man, a punt up in the air, a chase and gather on the half way line, a burst of pace through a paralysed defence and a stunning touchdown under the posts, that sounds like a much MUCH better idea.

Unfortunately, that’s not quite how it happened. Du Preez recalls what happened next.

“What the hell is happening? I thought. Why am I in the air gathering a ball that should be in the stands? This is hilarious! Then all of a sudden, to top it all, I’m sensing O’Gara is actually trying to take me out in the air. I’m thinking ‘penalty’, I’m thinking ‘series win’, and I’m thinking ‘big cigars and dancing girls’. Then it happened; pain the like of which I’d never experienced, all made the more surreal by trying to balance on feet three metres below me which were staggering all over the place. It was like riding a unicycle. If the unicycle had a head for a seat. And was stuck up your arse. And kept shouting “Oi never touched him” in a really muffled voice. Then I fainted.”

Doctors at the hospital still say it’s the most complicated procedure they’ve ever undertaken. It took a marathon seven-hour operation to free the Irish fly-half’s head from the rear cavity of Du Preez involving an oxygen tube, three gallons of KY Jelly, a pulley system and eighty stitches. The senior surgeon insisted that the incident was a one in 240 million chance that normally would end in severe head or neck injury for the unlucky person who felt the full force of an arse at that velocity.

“The precise speed and angle of descent in this incident allowed the sphincter to close again around the head so fast that no tearing occurred. It appears that O’Gara had managed to get himself in exactly the worst place he could possibly be at that moment in time, yet ironically, it was also the best place. Riddle me that, batman!”

Another angle clearly showing Du Preez’s stunned agony and O’Gara’s aimless blundering

Grand Slam Curse Strikes Again!

Mike Phillips alleged fracas outside a McDonalds nightclub has once again put the Welsh 2005 Grand Slam Curse into sharp perspective. None of the unbeaten side have escaped damage to their careers or personal lives in the short few months since the glorious winning streak in the year that brought us one of the Big Brother series. Gwlad has done some top level researching on wikipedia and Google. Apparently they are an online encyclopaedia and search engine respectively. Also, we’ve looked at what’s happened to the Wales 2005 squad.
Gethin Jenkins – Went to chip shop in 2006 and had to wait for chips!
Robbyn McBride – Forced to retire and have his name spelt incorrectly in 50% of rugby articles
Adam Jones – Did that cornrows thing? Remember? You’d forgotten, hadn’t you?
Brent Cockbain – Christened Brent Cockbain by his parents
Robert Sidoli – Sky+ started playing up
Ryan Jones – Has won nothing since 2005
Michael Owens – Forced to retire
Martyn Wylliams – Lost car keys in 2007 which were then found almost immediately later by missus
Michael Phillips – Didn’t get access to Flake McFlurry at 3am in the morning.
Dwayne Peel – Makes daily commute from Tumble to Manchester.
Stephen Jones – Had to watch helplessly as favourite restaurant ‘Curry Gardens’ closed down
Shane Williams – Powerless to stop Fox cancelling Firefly
Tom Shanklin – Retired
Gavin Henson – Injured, missed world cup, injured, made to dance, frozen, surrounded by lightening, split up with missus, injured, affected by increase in VAT on tanning products, injured, moved club, injured, moved club, let go, made forward pass, had lots of women vie for his attention on national television.
Hal Luscombe – Developed South African accent and then surrounded by Clarts
Gareth Thomas – Broke thumb, played league.
Scott Johnson – Lived in Australia and Swansea.
Mike Ruddock – Only coached one Grand Slam.
Alan Phillips – Has to regularly talk to Phil Steele.

Scarlets release David Stade for Francais move

Scarlets No.8, David Stade, is to join Lyons in what observers are calling ‘a change of rugby club’. Speculation is rife on what removals firm Stade will use. “I’ve got tonnes of stuff, eh? It’s aboot time I shipped all my stuff to France.” said Stade in what appears to be an accent from a different colony to the one he’s from.

WRU Not World’s Most Corrupt Sporting Body

IT’S OFFICIAL!!! The WRU have plenty to celebrate as they are officially not the world’s most corrupt sporting body. Gwlad would like to point out that it has been instructed to ‘Phone back later when I’m awake’ by it’s part time lawyers / animal dentist so it cannot legally name the World’s most corrupt sporting body 2011. But it’s definitely NOT the WRU.