The unsavoury practice of growing Irish people by grafting newborns to the backs of horses is coming under increasing pressure from human rights groups. The notorious method is already prevalent in Ireland as the cost of child-rearing is reduced to the price of two operations and some hay for the horse, but there are fears the precarious nature of the Irish economy will drive more families into the shady practice.
The Irish government voiced concerns that making the practice illegal would simply drive desperate families into the arms of unscrupulous back-street veterinaries who might graft children to less viable animals like pigs, goats and geese, which may in turn lead to feelings of inadequacy in later life.
A UN spokesman announcing the ban said. “We sympathise to a degree with parents just wanting to cut the costs of raising children, but the whole thing is sick enough without dressing the parasitic children in silky pyjamas, forcing the horses round an obstacle course and betting on the outcome. This is not what civilisation is about.”
Welsh rugby link: Stephen Jones owns a horse, but it is not certain whether it has an Irish growth.
A former Welsh rugby international has applied for a super-injunction to prevent the world knowing about his secret attempt to raise a million pounds for a well-known charity by risking his life climbing up mountains and skiing to the poles.
Sources close to the player voiced concerns that attempts to reveal his identity via twitter, his personal website and internationally renowned intellectual chat site Gwlad, had been circulating since the start of the year and had begun to trickle slowly into the mainstream press.
The players’ legal representative argued that revealing his client’s identity and what he was up to presented a real danger that people would emerge from feeding at their celebrity infested news troughs and hear something useful and life-affirming, thus risking mental meltdowns and spontaneous combustions on an epic scale. There was also a significant risk that the player’s efforts might also help the fight against cancer, and well, we can’t have that can we?
The terms of the super-injunction mean that no-one is allowed to mention the super-injunction. The player involved and any teams he may have played for, plus any mountain he may have climbed, including – for the sake of argument – Mount Everest, do not and have never existed, and anyone currently alive or due to be alive from now until the rapture is required by law to stick their fingers in their ears and make a noise like ‘blublublub’ if they hear any mention of the thing that never happened – ask any current journalist for an expert demonstration of how this is done; they’re ahead of the game on this.
Also, following this link is now breaking the law
And you’re back in the room
Please note: Contrary to what you may have heard, the Saints will not be marching in today.
For anyone who is hitting a point in their life where they sit back and look at what they’ve truly achieved and experienced and are starting to feel a bit down at the fact that it’s involved too much fizzy lager, chips and urinating on cashpoints and much too little of anything of any actual use, please, for the love of God and your own sanity, do not venture near any news of Richard Parks and his amazing stunning feats of balls-out courage. It may just make you want to curl up into a little ball at the bottom of your airing cupboard and have a little sob.
Looking to make his final push to the summit of Everest as part of his gruelling 737 challenge for charity, if anyone deserves the privilege of being able to look down on the rest on the world right now it’s this guy. And a lot more of the world should be looking up to him.
Today, the world apparently would much prefer the idea of hearing about some whales being stranded, a rich French bloke being in a prison and a load of politicians failing to sort out the middle-east again. It would be great if a lot more people started pointing the media’s attention to a selfless guy currently devoting his life to supporting a charity by living on the edge of human endurance and showing immense courage and humility in the process. It wouldn’t hurt anyone over the next couple of days if their brains opened up to give a bit of attention to one of the world’s good guys, and the media could improve it’s own reputation a bit by lending a hand.
Here’s hoping this reaches a wider cyber-audience, more people support what Richard is doing and above all else, he comes home safe and sound to the hero’s welcome he deserves. Godspeed Richard Parks.
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After many years of hopeless prediction, “Looks Weak” will no longer be used by Welsh sports fans as the barometer of informed insight. Instead as of Tuesday May 17th 2011, it’s place will be taken by “heh, gonna be a looooong season for the Jacks”. While technically correct (Swansea City will be playing one week longer than most Championship teams), this prediction made on Welsh work avoidance website Glw@d, shows the knowledge you’d expect of a true genius. All the early indications (an away loss and a new manager) pointed to a season fighting off relegation. Instead the Swansea United team are only eighty minutes away from League 1 soccer next season. I think I speak for all on Gwlad when I say “I’m not even sure what day the game is on.”