Gatland Slams Barca

In a shocking broadside against the Nou Camp heroes, Wales coach branched out from his usual pre-match interviews by blasting a team from a different sport. “They hold no fear for my lads – we know that they can never beat us” claimed the Wales supremo. “They’re an under-rated tippy tappy fixated bunch of wimps!” Gatland continued. “They can’t even throw in properly. This team of tic tac tits can’t even score a try.” Gatland went on to criticise the rugby abilities of the European Ryder Cup team, Sebastein Vettel, Mohammed Ali, Jesse Owens, Usain Bolt, Lance Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Stretch Armstrong, Time Team, Face off of the A-Team, Dr ‘Bones’ McCoy and Marie Curie.

Warren Gatland’s ‘Cut Out & Pin Up’ Opposition Team Talks

2011 Vol.4 – Ireland

Hello Ireland. My boys are playing you this weekend so here’s just a few well considered words to save your coach the bother of motivating you.

You are Cheats!

Everyone says so. I’m going to tell the Ref on you by spending this week bleating on about how you’re all murdering ball-killers and the enemies of rugby.

 All my players Hate you!

 There, I’ve said it. We had a vote on who we hated the most and you won. Well actually Ronan O’Gara won, but the rest of you came second.

Brian O’Driscoll is Mortal!

The angel Gabriel did not deliver unto Mrs O’Driscoll a child: He is a normal guy. Feed him and does he not shit? This means that we’re allowed to tackle him, and he’s not allowed to spend half the game telling the Ref what his opinion should be.

I’d rather listen to Sonja McLaughlan than U2!

That’s right, the soulless microphone harpie sounds better than Bono. She makes my eyes bleed but listening to the Edge’s patented doorbell sound makes me want to thumb my eyes out of their sockets.

You’re drug-dealers!

Everyone says when the Irish come to Cardiff, the crack is always good. Crack is not good. It is a highly addictive Class A narcotic and it is a criminal offence to bring it into the country. It ruins lives and drains valuable NHS, law-enforcement and Social Care resources. Leave the crack at home.

 

Disclaimer: Mr Gatland’s views in no way represent those of the Welsh nation who have always got on with you very well actually – in spite of our dodgy deal with the English in 1169 that let them invade you, and Lloyd-George drawing partition lines across random bits of the island after a few too many doses of Port – sorry about all that.

 The Welsh nation does not have a standing army and would therefore like to avoid any armed conflict as a result of the above comments. Tribute can be paid in coin or cattle. Please send all invoices for reparations to The Welsh c/o WRU, Dept for Gatland Gaffe Repairs, Millennium Stadium, Westgate Street, Cardiff, CF10 1NS.