Wilkinson’s Hair Explodes

A destructive hurricane swept across the continent yesterday after the whole of Wales and Ireland and a tiny minority of Scotland breathed a collective sigh of relief following the tragic deaths of most of the England squad after Johnny Wilkinson’s hair exploded on the team bus.

An investigation is underway but early reports suggest that, unable to deal with the stilted social exchanges of the England squad, Wilkinson’s hair self-combusted in an explosion of emotional intensity after catching sight of a baguette brought onto the bus by James Haskell. In a press release the RFU have blamed the emotional freedom experienced by the hair after two years living in France. ‘No.’

Commented Martin Johnson, who despite being on the bus at the time was too busy drawing smiley faces to notice the explosion. Chris Ashton, who swallow dived to safety, was too busy celebrating in front of his former team-mates to comment, whilst the only other survivor, Wilkinson’s torso and limbs, was practising its place kicking.

In Wales the news has overshadowed the fact that Warren Gatland has now metamorphosised into Graham Henry, circa 2002.

Optimism Gnome SCANDAL – Evil Twin Brother Revealed

The normally sober, sedate and sensible world of Welsh rugby commentary in the Six Nations was rocked last night when inspiration of the nation, the Optimism Gnome, revealed his dark family secret.

The Optimism Gnome, whose work has helped Welsh fans deal with the Lewering, the Gyppocaust, the ongoing Gattocide and tubby drunken strumpets in stetsons yelling, “Give it to faaaaaarkin’ SHAAAAANNNEEEE” at matches last night broke down in sobs as the scandal erupted.

“It’s true,” said the Gnome, speaking to Gwl@d. “My family shame is out there, now. I have an evil twin brother, who does nothing else but undo all my good work.”

Gwl@d understands* that the Gnome’s evil twin is, like the Gnome, a microscopically-small entity who speaks in a high-pitched squeal. But the Misery Midget works against his brother, and brings nothing but despair, soul-eating emptiness and Western Mail opinion pieces to the people of a suffering nation.

“He’s so evil,” said the Gnome. “Everything I do, he just twists and destroys it. I start getting people excited about having Wellies in good nick and uninjured, next thing he starts a Hook for 10 campaign. I don’y know why he does it, but the power we were both given to remove all traces of rationality from the minds of Welsh rugby fans for so that they can go to matches happily in replica Arsenal shirts instead of mourning, sackcloth and ashes, he just twists and uses for evil.

“I mean, I know no-one wants to look at the 6N in the cold, clear light of reason, but why not use the madness to make people happy, instead of making them try to burn the innocent member of the halfbacks?

“He’s just evil.”

The Misery Midget was unavailable for intelligent, informed comment. So, no change there, then.

*Which would be a first, mind…