Trees ‘really annoyed’ at being cut down for more pointless guff about James Hook

Trees: Down with this sort of thing

Trees – yes trees – spoke out yesterday at the upsurge in the amount of them being brutally hacked down in order to be daubed in print with more opinion on where James Hook should play, how he should play, and whether or not if he was playing in the right place anyone else need bother turning up to play with him.

“Enough” said trees, “Seriously now”.

In journalist land, the crayons have been worn down. The past month has seen Hook’s wearing of the number ten shirt compared to the bit at the end of Highlander when the really old Scottish bloke had chopped off everyone’s head and become an all-powerful, all-knowing superhero in a big display of lights and fireworks and Brian May rubbing his guitar against Anita Dobson’s buttocks really loudly. It had been suggested that if he were to wear the 10 shirt then just to be safe, the large Hadron collider should be turned off for a bit in case the combined activity tear a hole in something important and invalidate the planet’s warranty.

According to the Grand Wizard Howley, so dangerous are the possible effects of Hook-magic that he will be kept below 5°c at outside centre and instructed to play in slow motion and not to do anything that might excite the molecules in the air around him into some sort of nuclear fusion.

In order to expand the lunacy beyond those paid for their opinion, it was decided that a Pole was needed. Bronisław Komorowski, President of Poland, announced that he was content with Hook playing anywhere but in the pack, 9, or on the wing as long as the guy was given more than a day’s notice and was kind of left alone about the whole thing.

In the event of today’s game not being called off by the marauding giant stay-puft marshmallow man; Come On Wales!

Berlusconi ‘disappointed’ with Welsh Under-20s

Berlusconi: Just another honest mistake

Italian Prime Minister and charitable friend of young stunning women everywhere, Silvio Berlusconi, was said to be hugely disappointed yesterday after a secret meeting in a dressing room with a large group of teenagers from Wales.

The Duce of Drool was very keen to personally welcome the visitors, especially as muddy grappling followed by a communal bath was rumoured to be on the menu at the San Vito Stadium. “I’ll be having some of that” he was reputed to say. Probably. But in Italian.

The Caesar of Seduction (©, but open to offers) shuffled into the changing rooms post-match in a velvet dressing gown, sporting a chilled Dom Perignon and a 30% extra free bottle of Matey bubblebath, offering what he claimed to be a traditional Italian welcome of ‘sudding the breasts’.

The Senator of Sausage (not sure about that one) was quick to withdraw the offer when the teenagers turned out to be a couple of dozen large males. A spokeswoman for the Prime Minister denied there had been any dodgy intention, and made clear that her starring role in the film ‘Maria Does Milan’ had nothing to do with her getting her current job. No-one has yet pressed charges.