“You’re all my bitches” says Optimism Gnome

The nation’s relationship with its magical bringer of hwyl has reached a new low when once again he promised a nutsack tingling victory over England but left us with the kind of empty hollow agony not seen since Mel Gibson had his intestines scooped out and stir-fried in Braveheart.

The Optimism Gnome spoke exclusively to Gwlad from a toadstool near his home in Mabinogiland. “I woke up last Saturday in Caroline Street underneath a pile of chip papers, with a head full of Reverend James and ribs aching from the kicking I took from valley commandos pointing how it was all my fault. Really?”

“Well look. I’ve been doing this for longer than most of you have been alive; in all weathers, no matter what the last result was – even in the 90s! So this time I’ve sat it out. That’s right. Noticed how quiet it’s been? Doesn’t quite work does it? All of a sudden, without my tingle-dust, the Western Mail front page, the Max Boyce CD and the goat all seem a bit flat and silly don’t they? Suddenly, you’re all thinking Scotland will win and you’re wondering if you should go and do some shopping, or make some cakes or wash the car instead.”

“Let’s be clear about this: It’s not too late. I’m sat here waiting and gently rubbing my nipples to get the G-forces going. I have my lucky pants on and a sack full of tingle-dust. All it takes is with your first beer of the day, you close your eyes tight, and before your first swig, you whisper “Oh, this is going to be the try of the Championship”. I’m saying that rubbing your nipples will help too, especially the girls – that will really help. Otherwise, you know what, I’ll just get a pizza in and abuse some cats. I’m waiting for your call”

Gatland promises end to In-Game Laptop Pornography

Solemn soul-searching after ‘Two Girls, One Cup’

Enough is enough declared Wales coach Warren Gatland as he admitted that his staff using the internet to watch streamed pornographic videos on work time may have had some adverse affect on the team’s performance of late.

Gatland had sanctioned the extra-curricular use of internet during game time sometime in 2009 to cover periods of tedious resetting of scrums and Wales possession resulting in 20 phases for a net loss of territory. ‘Angry Birds’ and Gwlading soon graduated to online poker and evony, but the traditional post-Lions tour comedown saw things take a turn for the worst with an increase in porn; starting with gentle stuff you could see on ‘Hollyoaks Later’ but soon veering towards material involving Puerto Ricans in Miami villas that had clearly been broken-into.

Towards the end of games that had become lost causes, TV viewers could clearly see the team focussing with increasing dismay at overweight German housewives crushing helpless tradesmen with a strange resemblance to Terry McDermott, and reacting with clear anger at south-east Asians girls with Jamie Roberts jawlines and a middle-stump.

The watershed moment came during last week’s England game when the team decided to see what all the fuss was about with the notorious chocolate ice-cream advert ‘Two Girls, One Cup’. Visibly shaken by the experience, the team sat in bemused silence for some time before Gatland’s realisation that this all had to stop. Such was his revulsion at what some women will do for crack or softmints, some moments later he was noticeably treating microphone-harpie Sonja McLaughlan as if she were a passable example of decent humanity

Obituary : The Optimism Gnome 1823-2011

The Optimism Gnome passed on 4th February 2011 suddenly, after a very short illness.
There are few real facts known about the Optimism Gnome. Most of what is known is a mixture of conjecture and fairy-tale. Some say that there have been, like James Bond, or Batman, several Optimism Gnomes, whilst others claim that the Optimism Gnome is a being almost 200 years old. Whatever the case may be, he has been a constant companion of the Welsh rugby fan for a considerable period of time. There have been various periods where he was believed to have passed, the 70′s being a notable occasion. But as coaches come and go with considerable and depressing regularity the Optimism Gnome has been a constant.
The Optimism Gnome was born, some say, at the turn of the 19th century. As a small boy he excelled at very little, and, even as a middle aged Gnome lacked a clear idea of his life path. However, life’s ups and downs had little effect on the Optimism Gnome, for he was the, well, Optimism Gnome. The inspiration for both Michael Landon’s Angel in Highway to Heaven and the Littlest Hobo, the Optimism Gnome would sneak into difficult situations and create hope all around him.
In 1854, he is alleged to have snuck into Lord Cardigan’s tent and quietly whispered “You can have ‘em bois, go to it.” Later in 1879 legend has it that the Optimism Gnome had convinced a sleeping Lieutenant John Chard that, “FFS mun, do ‘em mun. Ewe are hard as and those lot need a good slap.”
And so it began. But soon, in the late 1880′s the Optimism Gnome found his real calling as the one who would create a swelling of, frankly, astonishing belief in the supporters of Welsh rugby. He was there at the best of times, he was there at the worst of times. He sat in the stands at Wembley. He made visits to every home following Canada, Samoa, Fiji, Samoa again, Fiji again. And Fiji again. Never did he tire of making us believe. In 2005 and 2008 the gnome saw his dreams realised, but he did not tire. He continued to work with prid and passion, hwyl, spunk and guts.
The Optimism Gnome never tired of bringing his unique brand of self belief. It defied common sense and rationality but it continued to throb at the very heart of every single Welshman.
But on the 4th February 2011 it all became too much. As Mongo kicked ahead late in the first half the Gnome dropped stone dead. Just prior to his final breath he was heard to say “FFS, I can’t even blame CeriG.”
And so the legend came to pass, no more will we look for our lucky pants, drink specific drinks in specific halves, crank up Bread of Heaven in the lead up to the match on iTunes. The gnome is dead. Gone forever.
But, perhaps, there is hope. Perhaps the Gnome is not optimism. Perhaps optimism is the gnome. Perhaps, the smallest amount of self belief will see the stone rolled back from the tomb and the casket where the gnome now lies, empty. Perhaps, he will return.
Optimism Gnome is survived by his wife Dorothy and cat Owen.

Nation receives visit from the Optimism Gnome

If you’ve woken up today in a strangely chipper mood despite crying yourself to sleep last night and having horrific dreams about Dylan Hartley, you are not alone. Once again, the nation has been visited in the night by the Optimism Gnome, squeezing through your catflap, climbing up your stairs, hoisting himself onto your bed and panting with excitement, whispering the Bill McLaren commentary to Gareth Edwards’ 1972 try against Scotland in your ear, and even laying out your lucky pants for the morning. The Optimism Gnome loves us, and we love him.

Some say he’s from a fairy land and passes between worlds via a bus shelter on the A48 outside Cowbridge. Some say that the Brynteg miners dug too deep and released the grateful little chap from a prison of anthracite in 1954. Some say he’s the love child of Father Christmas and Ruth Madoc. Some say the things he does to your cat on the way out can’t be helped. All we know is that the jingling bell on his hat on the eve of every international results in a nation waking up on match-day wanting to strip to its birthday suit, cover itself in woad and run into the street shouting “I’ll take you all on!”

Okay, maybe we haven’t won in ages – so we’re due a win. Fair enough, we’re missing two lions from the front row – but you can’t scrum on the millennium mud anyway. Good point that ‘give it Jamie Roberts’ is the only plan – but hey, some of us remember the 90s when we didn’t even have a plan.

So this is it, boys and girls – Six Nations time again. Time to hoist the flag, set phasers to ‘baritone’, slip on your best drinking trousers and leave nothing on the training paddock! Thank you, Optimism Gnome. You’re the best!

In America? Want to watch the Six Nations?

BBC America will be broadcasting a number of live Six Nations games, including Scotland vs Wales on Saturday, February 12, 11:30 a.m. ET / 8:30 a.m. PT.
For more information on the schedule go to BBC America rugby site.

BBC America will be broadcasting a number of live Six Nations games, including Scotland vs Wales on Saturday, February 12, 11:30 a.m. ET / 8:30 a.m. PT.
For more information on the schedule go to BBC America rugby site.

Bradley Manning Eligible to Play for Wales.

Bradley Manning, currently serving in a maximum security prison and suspected of leaking state secrets to WikiLeaks, is eligible to play for Wales, through his Welsh mam. “Well, our injury crisis is getting more crisis-y by the day.” Stated Warren Gatland. “Does he play prop? I’ve already sounded out various people for the vacant tight head spot including Phil John, Cai Griffiths, Peter Francis, Stu Francis, Francis of Assisi and Adam Jones.” added Gatland.

Team Wales have expressed worries that Manning may divulge line out calls to the opposition but then they remembered that we play as if they already know them. When asked how they would ensure Manning makes training on time, Gatland pointed to the 1978 precedent where the whole of the A Team played in the pack against Scotland.