Wales can beat the All Blacks tomorrow

Nothing I’ve seen so far during this Autumn series has given me any confidence about Wales’s chances in next year’s Rugby World Cup. A narrow-ish defeat to Australia. A second half capitulation against South Africa, and a humiliating draw with Fiji. We’re missing a decision-maker in the three quarters (you all know which perma-tanned ballroom-dancing ponce I’m referring to), and whenever Gethin Jenkins is absent, our back row are cruelly exposed as a bunch of part-time show-boaters. But in spite of these deep flaws, I still believe we can beat New Zealand tomorrow.

As Andy Howell might say, “let’s look at the facts.” Shall we start with a head-to-head?

Lee Byrne vs. Mils Muliaina: Grand Slammer & British Lion vs. ever present at the last two Kiwi world cup chokes

George North vs. Isaia Toeava: Man-child-mountain vs. who?

Tom Shanklin vs. Conrad Smith: Double Grand Slam winner & Lion vs. double world cup choker

James Hook vs. Sonny Bill Williams: Double Grand Slam winner, Lion & French Fancy vs. show-boating big-handed leaguey

Tom James vs. Hosea Gear: Run Forrest Run vs. Run Forrest Run

Stephen Jones vs. Dan Carter: Game Manager vs. Armchair General

Mike Phillips vs. Jimmy Cowan: Crazy Horse vs. Why The Long Face

Gethin Jenkins vs. Tony Woodcock: Peerless vs. Uncle Buck

Matthew Rees vs. Kevan Mealamu: Head Boy vs. Head Butt

Adam Jones vs. Owen Franks: Beastmaster vs. Spanked

Bradley Davies vs. Brad Thorn: Madly vs. Sadly

Alun-Wyn Jones vs. Sam Whitelock: Great Lock vs. Shite Lock

Dan Lydiate vs. Jerome Kaino: Young Guns go for it

Sam Warburton vs. Richie McCaw: Servant vs. Master

Ryan Jones vs. Kieran Reed: Ryan The Lion vs. Reed ‘em and weep

So by my reckoning, Wales have superiority in 10 positions on the pitch, we’re evenly matched in two positions and NZ are only top dogs in three positions (OK, two of those are in the back row, probably the crucial area).

So Wales will win. It’ll be close. Within a score. Our strong tight five and experienced half-backs will give us a platform. All we need is the mental strength to front up to the All Blacks. Every breakdown will be a contest we must win, and it can be done. We need to use our brains.

Munster to accept IRB loan

Bankrupt backwater Ireland was again reeling last night after once more being forced to accept international aid. Leading Irish province and rolling maul exponent Munster has been forced into accepting an embarrassing, emergency bailout from the IRB, the Magners League and novelty ginger wig manufacturers. The move follows years of big spending by the Irish region which has attracted international superstars such as Doug Howlett and Chris Wyatt. It’s understood the bailout could run into hundreds of pounds.

The IRB has placed strict conditions on the loan which will see Munster having to drastically reduce their cost base. Moves under consideration apparently involve sacking all three quarters from the squad. “At the end of the day we really only use 9 players, 10 at a push. We can cut costs by a third and not have to change our game plan or training regime” said Director of Rugby Tony McGahan.

The IRFU welcomed the move explaining that it helped them out of a potentially embarrassing situation. “If Munster went bust we’d have to let Connaught into the Heineken Cup and that’s something we never want to see” said an unnamed spokesman.

Lifelong supporter Gerry McGerry was understandably distraught. “It’s a disaster for Irish rugby. We really hate the English but now we’ve got to take a load of money off them. Next time we have a game at Leicester we won’t be able to act quite so smug and self important. We may have to be contrite and accept there are other teams who are actually quite good and capable of beating us”. Upon reflection he added “No, stuff it we’ll just ignore the facts and act the way we always do”.