Inventive marketing wizards at colour-blind rugby machine (The) ‘Ospreys’ are behind a bare-faced attempt to keep Gavin Henson on Strictly Come Dancing, despite his obvious lack of prowess. “We’re rooting for Gav to make it all the way to the Christmas final, prove all his doubters wrong, and keep focussed on his dearly held ambition: being on telly,” squawked Cerys Morgan, PR bunny at Ospreys’ pint sized communications agency ’99 Tosspots’. “We are using the Internet a lot, especially all the social parts.”
Henson’s performances thus far on SCD have been characterised by his daft hairstyle, stiff backside and lots of blushing. “The judges don’t know what to do, especially Bruno” quipped Bruce Forsyth, between gasps from his oxygen mask during a recent filming intermission. “Maybe the Welsh vote is keeping him in, plus a lot of support from the UK’s small but vocal population of shiny orange, shaven people.”
Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment.
The “world” of Scottish rugby was today rocked by the shocking news that all of the Six Nations makeweights’ Autumn internationals will be screened live by the BBC.
“Och, this news gives us a couple of wee problems,” trilled Angus McTaggart, Chief Haggis of the Scottish Rugby Union. “Fer starters,” he continued with the aid of subtitles, “We dinna have sold nae tickets fer any of the matches the noo, and naebody’s going to watch any of the games because the Balamory omnibus is on the other side at the same time.”
The SRU are understood to be considering a number of smaller alternative venues for the matches. The current favourite is believed to be a phone box on Costorphine Road. “If we can sell five tickets then we’re guaranteed a full house,” said McTaggart.
Llanelli have remained unbeaten at Stradey Park for 2 whole years. “This is a proud record across all tournaments, but it is one that we are working hard to keep” said a triumphant Nigel Davies yesterday. “We’ve taken on all comers this year and haven’t lost a single home game……..at Stradey.” he added bullishly.
Stephen “Stephen” Jones has issued a challenge to all the other Welsh regiochises. “He’ve got one hell of a home record. Come and beat us (at Stradey) if you think you’re man enough for the job. I tell you something. YOU’RE NOT!!!!!! That’s right Ospreys, there’s no WAY you’re beating us ever again (at Stradey).”
In this reporter’s view, those are brave words. From a brave man.
Today marks a brand new dawn for the country of New Zealand. The first city ever to be founded in this once not-that-great country is to get a royal seal of approve. That’s an actual seal. Who will lead the applause. The city, New Zealand City will house many of this people’s art such as a house made out of glitter and pasta and another crayon drawing of what appears to be some people standing in the rain in a plastic coat. The event is to be attended by Princess Sophie’s cousin and Tiger Wood’s caddy’s aunt. New Zealand Brass Band will both be present to provide the music if anyone can lend them some instruments. Preferably brass ones.
Ruff and ready rugby roadies Newport Gwent South Wales Dragons are offering their ‘underdogs’ tag for sale, in a bid to raise cash ahead of another bitingly cold winter. The wonga will go toward the upkeep of the Dragon’s most coveted tag: ’hardworking’, and fund urgent reparis to ’fortress’ – currently majority owned by Rodney Parade.
“We hope to raise a similar amount that Connacht did when they sold off their ‘whipping boys’ tag to Aironi,” spat dead-pan Head Coach Paul Turner. “But the tag market is pretty uncompromising, let me tell you. When we were flying high a couple of seasons ago we bid for ‘complete bastards’ from Leicester, but they turned us down – the complete bastards.”
Gavin Henson confirmed last night that he will be leaving Wales for the bright lights of London as soon as he finishes filming his latest reality/celebrity TV show. Speaking exclusively to Gwladrugby he revealed the true reasons behind the move.
“This coalition Government’s cuts are really going to hit me hard. I was banking on the £1500 I get in child benefit to see me right but now they’ve taken it away. It was bad enough losing the family tax allowance and having to pay the Council Tax on the bedsit but with this as well I just can’t make ends meet. As I’m currently unemployed and have no spouse to sponge off so I think I have a right to expect everyone else to support me.”
Asked what the future holds for him in the capital Henson replied. “My advisors tell me I can make money out of dancing. You know, like those breakdancing guys in Harlem or those Russian bears. I think this could be a big move for me. I’m in great condition and it’ll only take one or two hours down a subway for me to be world class. However all the subways in Swansea are taken and Pencoed just doesn’t have the right feel so its got to be London.”
Lembit Opik was asked to comment but his response was unintelligible.