Dried antelope munching South African rugby bods are preparing to spout rubbish ahead of their crunch match against the mighty Wales, as injuries, withdrawals, omissions and a general sense of malaise threaten to cut their likely points victory from around 40 points down to nearer 15.
“We are definitely underdogs, there is no doubt about that,” said coach Pieter de Villiers, wearing a clown’s outfit and blowing a commemorative ‘World Champions’ plastic horn. “We have no recognised players available. Most of our bench are amateur swimmers – such are the visa problems imposed by the Welsh Government Assembly. If we win then it will be a right turn up for the books.”
Over in the Wales camp, staff are busily scotching rumours that they fancy their chances. “Ey up,” commented assistant coach Shaun Edwards. “One word: complete and utter shite.”
Warren Gatland meanwhile is not letting counterproductive mind-games get in the way of his, or his team’s preparation. “The South Africas are still a great big bunch of racists, did you know that? We all know that. But no-one says anything. Do you know where Mandela lives nowadays? In a prison that’s been made to look like a nice big house. Shocking I know. But they hate the Welsh the most. It’s the colour red. We’ve got to front up to them chucking xenophobic slurs around like they were toffees. Politically incorrect toffees that don’t like gays I might add.”