Dried antelope munching South African rugby bods are preparing to spout rubbish ahead of their crunch match against the mighty Wales, as injuries, withdrawals, omissions and a general sense of malaise threaten to cut their likely points victory from around 40 points down to nearer 15.
“We are definitely underdogs, there is no doubt about that,” said coach Pieter de Villiers, wearing a clown’s outfit and blowing a commemorative ‘World Champions’ plastic horn. “We have no recognised players available. Most of our bench are amateur swimmers – such are the visa problems imposed by the Welsh Government Assembly. If we win then it will be a right turn up for the books.”
Over in the Wales camp, staff are busily scotching rumours that they fancy their chances. “Ey up,” commented assistant coach Shaun Edwards. “One word: complete and utter shite.”
Warren Gatland meanwhile is not letting counterproductive mind-games get in the way of his, or his team’s preparation. “The South Africas are still a great big bunch of racists, did you know that? We all know that. But no-one says anything. Do you know where Mandela lives nowadays? In a prison that’s been made to look like a nice big house. Shocking I know. But they hate the Welsh the most. It’s the colour red. We’ve got to front up to them chucking xenophobic slurs around like they were toffees. Politically incorrect toffees that don’t like gays I might add.”
Perennial Welsh flagbearers in Europe, Llanelli Scarlets have finally secured a place in next year’s European Rugby Cup. In a thrilling match, three second half tries for the Welsh Standalone Club secured the Scarlets place at the European top table in 2010/2011.
“It was a nervy finish with Toulon throwing it all at the Welsh team in the last few minutes, but after a long hard season, I’ve just sat the players in the bar after the match and told them that I believed in them. That helped us pull through in the end.” said Llanelli boss Nigel Davies as he was mobbed by over-joyed Welshmen.
Regan King, who didn’t even make the plane out to Marseille, was overjoyed. “I’ve hid a lut abit pishun ind proid ov the Wilsh, but it jist goes to showe wut you cin do win you mix the Wilsh haaaart with Kiwi grut.” he said, speaking through his translator. His views were echoed by Scarlets all time top scorer, Stephen Jones “It’s not often that I don’t get on the scoresheet myself, so I was a bit nervy but the lads pulled through. This is a proud day for all of us here at Parc Y Llanelli. It just goes to show that West IS best.”
In other news, Swansea sports shops today dealt with a record product return of Holland soccer shirts.
Llanelli Scarlets are to go into massive debt (again) in order to bankroll a bid for the new $40m synthetic lifeform, it has been revealed by the Western Mail. Talking to one of their “reporters” Soaraway Scarlets Supremo, Nigel Davies stated “This is a high profile signing for the region. Once again we’ve shown that we are not shy at spending money to provide back-up at tighthead.” This follows the recent set back in failing to sign either Species 8472 or a Predator. “There are two main advantages that the sythetic life form has over these” stated Davies “1. It actually exists and 2. There aren’t any complicated image rights.”
In a rugby bombshell, Alan Philips, who does stuff for the Wales team has stated he’ll take more of a quieter roll in his work with Team Wales. He’s believed to have talked of only doing the half time interview for half of the Wales games in future and to perhaps outsource the numbering of team socks to the private sector.
This radical change has been seen as a first step in merging Wales with their Irish counterparts in a move that the IRFU think will halt the stated Wal-Eng Pact, dead in its tracks. “We share a proud, shared heritage of hating the English, selling t-shirts with Celtic crosses on them, having a large proportion of the population with red hair and still being in a shit league” shouted Shillally O’Mc Doughnal late last night while punching his cousin playfully around the eye.
“This is great news for those that buy into all this celtic cousin bollocks.” said Llangennech’s own Huw Edwards. “However, I don’t really follow much about rugby these days as I’m more of a newsreader. I was at the Pope’s funeral, you know! Not the nazi pope. The nice one. The one on all those cups they sold in Pontcana fields in the early 80s”.
The move does have it’s problems. It’s thought that Wales and Ireland won’t be able to form a good enough team on their own and may have to rely on a couple of Scottish, some Celtic League Italians and perhaps a couple of nutters from Cornwall. “Y Grwp Enfys” will also have internal difficulties marrying together Wales’ ability to find new and exciting ways to lose with Ireland’s cheat at all costs raison d’etre. Graham Symonds of Sky Sports was heard as saying “NO! You can’t do that. What about England and their super Guinness Premiership and wonder Johnny. WAHHHH! WAHHHH!!!”
In a historic move, Wales and England have decided to join forces and follow their political, legal, cricketial and financial union by forming a joint Wales England team for next year’s Six Nations. The team is to be called different names during alternate games. Their first game will be under the title Waland which will play in an all white kit. The following week, Engles will play in all red.
Those in the game on either side of Offa’s Wall spoke positively about the move. “This is great news. Finally England players who aren’t Johnny Wilkinson can know what it feels like to play in a Grand Slam winning side. It’ll also give teams other than Leicester a chance to challenge something legally for a change” said Leicester team manager, Peter Wheeler. Phil Bennett, former Llanelli, Wales, British Lions and anyone else who played in red with white shorts outside half gave an impassioned speech. “Look what these heroes have done to Wales. They’ve bought our coal, our water and our steel. They pay good money for our houses and they only live in them for a fortnight every 12 months, thereby guaranteeing that they contribute poll tax but don’t constitute a drain on valuable local resources. What have they given us? Well, the M4. Lovejoy. Danny Dyer. The actual game of rugby itself. Optical fibres. The Good Life. Oh, Mr Porter. Although I think that was set in Ireland. We’ve been embraced, loved, guided and encouraged by the English – and that’s who we are playing with next February, Gar.” ‘Expert’ analyist Jonathan ‘Jonathan’ Davies is also excited. “NUMBERS!” he screeched yesterday at a frequency only bats can hear.
Home games are to be played at the Majeski Stadium. Hell, everything else is. The IRFU are angry with the RWFRUU team as they felt that they were going to form closer links with Wales. “We share a shit league, a common heritage to the Left of England as well as a strong mutual dislike when you barely scratch the surface” argued head of the IRFU Shillally Mc O’Doughnal in between a pint and a whiskey chaser, yesterday.