We don’t do that sort of thing.
We don’t do that sort of thing.
Wales’ lineout captain and gay pride mascot Jonathan Thomas has backed the Light Brigade to bounce back from disappointment, once they’ve “ironed out some basic errors.” The crack outfit, whose last run out was in the Crimean War, were famously hammered by an unfancied Russian unit.
“War is about winning and loosing. And Katherine Jenkins.” mused the sage. “Really, just those few loose canon, and some bad decision making across the park, cost them the match,” dribbled Thomas. “If it weren’t for that, they’d be one up in the rubber and looking for a series victory.”
Thomas, who holds a history degree from the University of Maesteg, was able to share some further historical perspective: “ Their coach, the Earl of Cardigan, was cruelly dumped but went on the invent the sandwich.”
Rumours that Mike “Fuddy” Cuddy has bought into the South Wales Evening Post in a bid to rival Rupert Murdoch as a media magnet (sic) gained momentum today after it was revealed by a sauce close to the self-styled fat bastard that recent headline grabbing incidents are all part of a ruse to “shift copy” of the reejunal newspaper and further strengthen the coffers of the Ospreys Big Man and the Black and White Cheating Bastards(© Leicester RFC).
In a move that is likely to shake Welsh rugby to its core, “the self-styled” “One True Region” has once again gone behind the back of the traditional Welsh media outlets and has started to create its own headlines.
Not content with the furore that nearly brought the oval ball game to its knees “Subgate” where 16th man, No.15, Tan Fan and Gold-Digga Lee “look at me” Byrne decided “all by himself” to turn the 15 man game into “one in, all in” fiasco, it then emerged that the “Galactico’s” had the audacity to “sign” Springbok barrel Ricardo Januarie for “3 months” whilst all along planning to play him for merely 8 weeks, before returning him whence he came, fitter, slimmer and a month light in his pay packet.
As the dust settled on Landore’s Loony Liberty Stadium, allegations emerge that the “management” at the Swansea (and Neath!) based “region” planned all along for Cai (rhymes with Pie) Griffiths (rhymes with shite) to throw himself recklessly into a ruck last weekend, knowing the headlines of “Cai Griffiths sighted” would have rugby supporters across the land scratching their heads as well as their arses, allowing natural curiosity and nosiness to get the better of them and a general clamour for the sports-section of the newspaper would ensue.
In a final twist, it has emerged that the high-flying Ospreys have cancelled next weeks game with Ulster; the announcement perfectly timed for the low-selling Friday edition of the SWEP to scream the headline “Ospreys flight-less for Friday”.
No-one was available for comment at the spectator-less, soulless ground this afternoon, aside one hand proffering the now traditional “Nescafe wave” from an upper window and a short note tacked to the front door reading “We have no comment to make, but our lawyers have instructed us to publish a small legal statement that will be available to read in Saturday’s Evening Post.”
Rumours of Charlotte Church appearing in a page 3 style “all-out” spread in Monday’s edition of the paper are so far unconfirmed.
News that two Italian teams will be joining the Magners League from next season has already provoked massive interest in flights, hotel rooms and restaurant bookings for away-fans looking forward to broadening their horizons.
Massimo Linguine is rugby correspondent for the Mailo Westerino in Turin: “Fans are going crazy for all the places they can take their wives for a long weekend, watch a bit of rugby, and enjoy the culture – especially the food and drink. Places like Glasgow and Belfast in January are naturally creating great interest, but the real attractions are proving to be Leckwith, Newport Docks and the Port Talbot Riviera.”
Hoteliers in the bleak Atlantic outpost of Galway are also understood to be bracing themselves for a mini-invasion of overexcited, leather-jacketed Eye-Ties come autumn. “Ah sure, when it comes to a truly barren and windswept environment without hope, aspiration or shelter – we’ll give Llanelli a run for its money alright,” commented Paddy Power, the governor of Connacht. “Sure, our Italian friends will have plenty of space to roam around on derr little mopeds, and ponce about with derr manbags and what have you. And we’ve got the holy stone of Clonrichit for them to visit; at least that’s what we’ll tell the feckin eejits anyway.”