Ricky Martin to join the Crusaders

The rugby world was rife with speculation last night that Puerto Rican pop sensation Ricky Martin is set to join rugby league side the Crusaders. The Latin heartthrob was seen arriving at the Racecourse on the weekend alongside new recruit Gareth Thomas.

Perennial underachievers the Crusaders have launched a ferocious recruitment campaign which has seen them sign former union legend Gareth Thomas and some journeymen Australians in an attempt to win a game. Head coach Paul Noble is also known to be keen to spark some interest in South Wales so they can leave the wastelands of Wrexham and play in more affluent surroundings, such as Port Talbot or Newport Docks.

If the signing is completed in time it’s likely that Ricky’s first game could be against the Harlequins at the Gnoll this week. Ricky first played at the ground when touring with boy band Menudo on their breakthrough 1993 tour and is known to be a big fan of the facilities and the town. “Those boys in Neath sure showed me a good time” he once told Mexican television. It is widely believed that his No.1 smash Livin’ La Vida Loca was inspired by events at the after party in Neath Cricket Club.

Former dual code star Jonathon Davies commented “He’s got two good feet and likes a bit of crash bang up the middle. Need I say more?” before confusingly shouting “show and go” in a high pitched squeal.

Iestyn “never quite got union” Harris refused to answer questions

Beaches & Peaches Win Out Against Pie Onslaught

Slightly Chinese looking back-row bully Gareth Delve has shaken the world of rugby to its very foundations with the news that Cardiff Blues have failed in their attempt to sign him, despite a big salary offer, significant pie-related inducements and the chance to hang around with the Wales squad from time to time.

“I was watching the Blues play Ulster on the telly, at that new stadium with all those blue seats everywhere, and it struck me how much I don’t like blue… or mud,” admitted Delve who has instead signed a long term ‘tan-as-you-play’ deal with Super XIVMX no-hopers Melbourne Rebels.  “I love playing for Wales, being Welsh, eating Welsh cakes once a year and all that, but faced with the real possibility of actually living in Wales – well, it makes me puke just to think of it.  The chance of a new life; a new challenge beckoned – and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it.  Except for when we have to play all those games in South Africa and New Zealand of course.  And get beaten like a ginger stepchild.”

The news represents yet more bad tidings for Cardiff Blues, following on from the recent departure of Gareth Thomas to rugby league.  “The guys always like to pump up before a game by watching Mamma Mia,” said Dan Baugh, Cardiff Blues’ resident Canadian.  “But we looked everywhere for that DVD, and could we find it?  Could we f

Broken Down

So, the internationals are at an end – for now – France are Grand Slam champions (once more) all-conquering in a six nations following a Lions tour (strange that).
Our attention returns to domestic matters, back to the principality, back to the Magners League.
What do we find? What do we hear? The people speak of a mythical battle; a bird to slay a dragon?
How big the bird? How small the Dragon?
Looking back you will see the dragon’s lair is a proud hunting ground; somewhere to be feared – for here the Dragon is (almost) undefeated, only a single loss to the “Tinopolis of Welshness”, the Scarlets, and even then it was a fight to the death.
Recent mixed fortunes against the Celts across the sea leave the beast hungry for more…

But what of the bird? With its feathers preened and it talons freshly sharpened by returning internationals, will it have the taste for such a fiery fight, or will its head be turned by the promise of a tastier morsel in France?
Fight or flight? That seems to be the question most in need of answering here. A refusal to meet the Red Hand and suffering from that most recent of Welsh traits – neglecting to play for 50 minutes, 50 minutes during which time your opposition have won the game.

So what is it to be? “Flight of fancy” or “Dragon’s roar”? Will the Ospreys swoop to kill or The Men of Gwent rally to the call?
This being a Welsh Derby expect a ground-out, error-strewn, forward slog at a sodden Rodney Parade.
Rugby for the purist if you will… but to whom the spoils?

Referee: Nigel Owens (WRU); Scarlets win.

Saturday 6.30pm – your armchair awaits…

Bostick to Sponsor Celtic League

News that cider duty will soon increase by a whopping 10% above inflation has provoked Magners Ltd to default on its sponsorship agreement with the Celtic League with immediate effect.  “Our fermented apple squelch has gone up-market now,” burped a spokesman.  “We can now consider ourselves a high-brand, prestige drink like…AfterShock.”

“We are proud to announce a new sponsorship package with Bostick, the leading brand for teenage solvent abuse,” boasted Jeremy So-and-so, Celtic League person.  “Rugby is family entertainment after all.  In any case, we were suffering with the negative connotations of our previous partnership with an alcoholic drinks business, especially one where it can now cost upwards of a fiver to get off your face.”

Rugby world consults stereotype reference book

Beer dispensing staff at notable Parisian drinkeries have been instructed to leave a quarter inch space at the top of every pint pulled this weekend, in order to allow room for England rugby fans’ tears.  French unions are debating the move, once they’ve finished having sex with each other, surrendering and puffing foul smelling cigarettes.

“Makes a change from weeing in our glasses I suppose,” remarked Toby Carruthers-Smeltch, a stereotypical English rugby fan.  “Like Johnno and everyone else at Team England, we’re all rather au fait with the idea of avoiding spillage when confronted with French collisions, but cocking your clientele over for a few extra centimes is beyond a joke.  I’m as xenophobic as the next chap and his lady wife, but this just isn’t cricket.”

Eddie Butler meanwhile, is talking again – so shhhhhhushh:  “I’m looking forward to laughing my big Welsh arse off as England trot out a brand of rugby even grimmer than the Brothers Grimm playing “who’s fart is the smelliest” with a couple of old corpses.  The Italian game promises to be an altogether different encounter.  Intriguing…  Helping Italy develop means helping rugby develop but if you lose to them it still means you’re shite.  I’ve put a tenner on Wales to self-destruct before half-time, but not before we’ve chucked it about a bit first and felt the wind in our hair.”

Over in Croke Park (or is it Murrayfield – who cares?) no-one seems to care whether Ireland will win the Triple Crown or not.  Certainly not Ireland who have picked a team so old, the teamsheet on the dressing room door is a stone tablet etched with runes.  Fresh from his side’s exciting draw against the Aulde Enemy, Scotland coach Andy Robinson is refusing to get involved in mind games: “They get to sing two songs instead of one, have you ever noticed that?  I’ll tarmac my own drive thank you very much – you know what I’m saying.”