Welsh Groundsman Slags Off French Counterpart.

In a political storm that people have already decided to call FieldGate, WRU Groundsman Dewi Shandywithahoe has SLAMMED his French counterpart. “The pitches they have in the Parc des Princes are terrible!” stated Shandwithahoe yesterday. “I’ve watched all of The Crowning Years and it’s like playing on the courts of Ronan Garossss, it’s so clayey” he said, making up a word.

In reply, La Federacion pour les Verdes Choses chairman claimed “Sacre-Bleu!!! Donner unt Blitzen. Ziss is an insult to Le France! Vive L’emporer. Avoir! Andoir! Feliz Navidad!”

Welsh Beer Fan Distracted by Rugby at Millennium Stadium

Yesterday, Welsh beer enthusiast, Dewi Sdrunk, was inconvenienced while getting up to get some beer for the fifth time during the Wales v Scotland 6 Nations match.

“All I wanted to do is go to the bar while it was quiet and all these people’s legs were in the way” exslurred Dewi. “To tell you the truth, this is one of the worst pubs I’ve been too. True, there are loads of seats, but you can only sit in one and it costs £60 to get in. And no one wants to talk to me about how crap I think that Henson is and they are like all looking away towards the centre of the stadium and blanking me. I mean what’s with that?”

Sdrunk later complained about the price of entry into the Philharmonic. “£6!!! What am I, a millionnaire?? Someone should tell these people that money doesn’t go on trees.”

Disappearance Spells Double-Boost for Wales

Shy, retiring Barry White-a-like rugby freight train Mathieu Bastard could miss the forthcoming Six Nations game against Wales after being cited for eating an opponent during last weekend’s France versus Ireland international.

Initially unsubstantiated rumours that Bastard had hastily consumed none other than Irish bottle-carrier Peter Stringer in the half time break, were later corroborated when revelers at a well known Champs-Elysees nightclub spotted the Peugeot-sized outside centre idly wiping a chewed knee-cap from the corner of his mouth.

“Zer is nothing ‘ere zat need concern ze rugby authorities,” explained Serge Blanco, the distended ex-France full-back and defender of the faith.  “It is customary for ze smaller players to ‘ave zeir livers eaten by ze others, no?  Zis – ‘ow you say – prank, went maybe a little too far, mmm?  French rugby ‘as nothing to answer for.  You pigs.”

Reportedly, sources close to Bastard maintain that, in the absence of an appropriately sized protein shake/beef carcass to guzzle during the interval, he simply mistook Stringer for an underfed spaniel. 

Stringer meanwhile remains unaccounted for, though police are rechecking local dog pounds for clues.

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Robinson Reunited with Nemesis as Raindance Plea Backfires

Scottish coach Andy Robinson has been unrepentant this week about his hopes of turning Saturday’s match again Wales into the muddiest game of rugby since the Ynysybwl Pals Second XV had a prolonged chuck-about during the Battle of Passchendaele. 

“I’ll be honest, I’m just praying it’ll shit it down,” muttered the five-times winner of Rugby’s Grumpiest Troll award earlier this week, following the news that no-one can find the handle that shuts the Millennium Stadium roof.  “But I’ve got an extra trick up my sleeve,” he added, with a twinkle in one of the misshapen holes in his forehead. 

As it transpires, Robinson planned to further stir up pre-match mind games by enlisting a local rainmaker to dance about the pitch following Thursday night’s practice session, waving a plastic tomahawk.  This backfired spectacularly when none other than Dale ‘The Chief’ McIntosh turned up as the only respondent to the SRU’s newspaper ad. 

“Remember me Robbo?” offered McIntosh, replete in gold lame head-dress, dyed pigeon feathers and felt espadrilles, wielding a cement trowel. 

Andy Robinson is no longer available for comment.

Alun-Wyn’s Twickenham Trip in Disgrace

Thinking man’s piano shifter Alun-Wyn Jones has gone into hiding with his future Wales career in tatters after failing to nail an England player when he had the chance. 

“We talked about it before the game, how we needed to disrupt their lineout by biting one of Dylan Hartley’s arms off,” claimed Welsh coaching supremo Warren ‘Only the Eyes Move’ Gatland.  “It was going to be Charteris that did it, but he got tangled up in camera rigging suspended from the floodlights.  Looking at the replay, Alun Wyn has panicked, gone for his bollocks and fallen short.  Shaun is so upset in the changing room that he’s started a dirty protest.  I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.”

According to the Welsh coaching team, Jones’s feeble trip constituted the missing piece of a masterplan set to stuff the Sais 4 games on the bounce.  “We took care of Care, gave Payne a lot of pain in the front row, though I’m not sure about Shaw.  Castrating J.R.R. was a big part of the strategy, although I must admit a mild sense of satisfaction seeing the inept look of dismay on his fat gurning face as it splat down in the mud.  And I’m also particularly pleased that our defensive running patterns led directly to Mathew Tait actually tackling himself on at least 4 occasions. 

That being said, Shaun and I are looking forward to a substantially more intelligent application of sadistic violence for the remainder of the tournament.”