Leicester to Impose Super-injunction on Ospreys Result

In a move that has stunned no one, Leicester Tigers have launched a Super-Injunction on the result of the recent Ospreys vs Leicester rugby match. The match, which ended in either a win, loss or draw for one or both of the sides may or may not have been cancelled or postponed, it wasn’t reported yesterday. “We are currently not at liberty to state where this game was held and neither is anyone else” cried the Tigers marketing manager Les Tersupremo. When asked for the reasoning behind such a reporting blackout, Mr (or Mrs) Tersupremo replied “Well, we’ve got to use the lawyers for something.”

Leicester Tigers to Challenge Proper Tidy Ranking

After their not-such-a-shock exit from all European competition until next year, Leicester Tigers almost pulled their whiskers out in dismay to find that they are not at the top of the Proper Tidy Ranking system. “MWAAAAA!!!!!!! MWAAAAAHHH!!!! It’s not FAIRRRRRR!!!!!!” yelled Leicester patron General Patrick Malaise. “Mummy. MUMMY!!! Tell the nasty man to make us top. I thought lawyers were supposed to be on OUR side. If he doesn’t I’ll scream and I’ll scream until my face goes even more bally well red than it is at present.” bitched the sore loser yesterday.

The Proper Tidy Rankings, which many believe are just made up, are accepted as being the best ranking of rugby sides since the one hit wonder Uptown Top Ranking which placed “Ting” at the top of the European Table.

Help needed!

Are you a Welsh rugby fan with limited imagination and a passable understanding of the alphabet?  If so, then the Western Mail rugby features team needs your help!  See below.  Get in touch if you think you can be of any assistance.

We face a Herculean task filling 1,500 pages over the next eight weeks with the kind of indulgent rugby trivia, fictional Welsh squad gossip, overinflated hearsay, jingoistic tittle-tattle and other pale coloured shite that our readers have come to expect from Wales’s only daily English language newspaper under a £1 that starts with a ‘W’.

Naturally we have a number of hot editorial scoops on the boil – real crackers such as ‘Every Gat Has 9 Lives’ which will explore nine things Warren Gatland probably likes doing when he isn’t rugbying; ‘Back to School with Tom Prydie;, ’The Groundsman’s View’ and ‘101 New Gavin Henson Facts’.     

On Monday, we will break new ground in the world of publishing with ‘The Definitive A-Z of the Six Nations’, but currently we have only got ten letters done.  Any more suggestions would be great – diolch!

B for Ball
E for England
F for France
I for Italy (and Ireland)
M for Mathew Tait (i.e. THAT tackle on him by Gavin Henson)
R for Rugby
S for Scotland
T for Tournament
W for Western Mail

The countdown begins

The Wales Six Nations squad met up at their training HQ in the Vale today. The only weakness in Warren Gatland’s selection looks to be at scrum half. The extent of Dwayne Peel’s injury is uncertain: according to the Wales camp, the British Lion is unfit and therefore not up for consideration. According to Peel’s club, he will be fit in time for the Six Nations opener against England at Twickenham.

Image courtesy Huw Evans Picture Agency

Either way, surely it’s a gamble worth taking? If Wales lose this crucial first match, they might as well not bother with the rest of the tournament. A good start against England is vital and that surely means Peel must be considered.

Leicester demand inquestwang

In a not entirely unprecedented SHOCK move, the Leicester Cheaters have SLAMMED Heineken Cup organisers’ decision not to BOOT the Ospreys out of the competition for fielding 16 players for several inconsequential seconds of their CRUNCH decider at the Library on Saturday.

Taking out an onion, Tiggers “coach” Richard COCKerill ROARED, “This glasshouse has got too many windows. I demand the right to smash some with these stones what I found, just now, on the floor. The Tiggerz have a proud tradition of cheating, and we will step up to the plate whenever a hand in the scrum or a cheeky one on the deck is required.”

Andy Howell is on tranquillisers.