World rugby is set to predict Welsh international domination, temporarily. Coaches, journalists, former Test legends, senior administrators and other well-known portly commentators with massive necks and locked-in-the-past hairdos, are conspiring to proclaim Wales as the impending international rugby champions of the universe, GwladRugby.com can exclusively reveal.
Ahead of games planned against New Zealand, Australia, Argentina and Samoa, a plot has already been agreed to compliment the living daylights out of the Welsh camp into a false and profoundly deluded sense of security.
Precise details include:
- Singling out Welsh members of the recent British Lions squad as ‘the best on tour’, ‘much better than the South Africans’ and ‘the most professional rugby professionals ever, since….ooooh…. Jonny Wilkinson, who incidentally is also slightly Welsh’
- Talking up random members from the rest of the Welsh squad contingent (and indeed any Welsh male between the ages of 14 and 70) as ‘eager to prove the Lions selectors wrong’, ‘the next big rugby sensation’ and ‘ready to eat the Argies/Aussies/Kiwis/Samoans for breakfast’
- Referring to Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards like they were the King and Queen of tactical rugby mastery; using moody black and white photography wherever possible
- Recalling previous encounters where Wales have been smashed to pieces as ‘close games’, featuring ‘dodgy refereeing decisions’ and ‘bad juju’
The plan relies heavily on media saturation and is global in scope, though will be taken to varying degrees of silliness according to geographic region. Southern hemisphere press, for example, will play along for a while until someone notices. The London papers meanwhile, led in a chorus of Eddie Butler poetry reading, will be shockingly daft about it but only to the extent that they are editorially permitted to write about Wales. The Western Mail, in league with the WRU to fill 30 pages a week with subtle variations on the same frothy rugby-related bollocks, will retain its impeccable commitment to editorial integrity by not getting involved in such shenanigans. Yes, really…
Ex-England captain and scary nutter Martin Corry meanwhile is leading a one-man crusade to accumulate a similarly unsustainable level of expectation surrounding the England team. Having claimed earlier on this week that – despite injuries – England should complete the clean sweep of beating NZ, Australia and Argentina, Corry is expected to make further claims in a press conference planned for tomorrow morning.
“England’s players can push on from their success in the Autumn internationals by retaining the Ryder Cup and retrieving all the gold from the lost city of the Incas,” barked Corry, a bit too loudly. “I can’t say anymore until tomorrow because there is a dead alligator lodged in my throat. Do you like cuddles? Cuddles are the best, aren’t they?”