Flattergate Plot Revealed

World rugby is set to predict Welsh international domination, temporarily.  Coaches, journalists, former Test legends, senior administrators and other well-known portly commentators with massive necks and locked-in-the-past hairdos, are conspiring to proclaim Wales as the impending international rugby champions of the universe, GwladRugby.com can exclusively reveal.

Ahead of games planned against New Zealand, Australia, Argentina and Samoa, a plot has already been agreed to compliment the living daylights out of the Welsh camp into a false and profoundly deluded sense of security.

Precise details include:

-          Singling out Welsh members of the recent British Lions squad as ‘the best on tour’, ‘much better than the South Africans’ and ‘the most professional rugby professionals ever, since….ooooh…. Jonny Wilkinson, who incidentally is also slightly Welsh’

-          Talking up random members from the rest of the Welsh squad contingent (and indeed any Welsh male between the ages of 14 and 70) as ‘eager to prove the Lions selectors wrong’, ‘the next big rugby sensation’ and ‘ready to eat the Argies/Aussies/Kiwis/Samoans for breakfast’

-          Referring to Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards like they were the King and Queen of tactical rugby mastery; using moody black and white photography wherever possible

-          Recalling previous encounters where Wales have been smashed to pieces as ‘close games’, featuring ‘dodgy refereeing decisions’ and ‘bad juju’

The plan relies heavily on media saturation and is global in scope, though will be taken to varying degrees of silliness according to geographic region.  Southern hemisphere press, for example, will play along for a while until someone notices.  The London papers meanwhile, led in a chorus of Eddie Butler poetry reading, will be shockingly daft about it but only to the extent that they are editorially permitted to write about Wales.  The Western Mail, in league with the WRU to fill 30 pages a week with subtle variations on the same frothy rugby-related bollocks, will retain its impeccable commitment to editorial integrity by not getting involved in such shenanigans.  Yes, really…

Ex-England captain and scary nutter Martin Corry meanwhile is leading a one-man crusade to accumulate a similarly unsustainable level of expectation surrounding the England team.  Having claimed earlier on this week that – despite injuries – England should complete the clean sweep of beating NZ, Australia and Argentina, Corry is expected to make further claims in a press conference planned for tomorrow morning.

“England’s players can push on from their success in the Autumn internationals by retaining the Ryder Cup and retrieving all the gold from the lost city of the Incas,” barked Corry, a bit too loudly.  “I can’t say anymore until tomorrow because there is a dead alligator lodged in my throat.  Do you like cuddles?  Cuddles are the best, aren’t they?” 

Sandcastles the Way Forward for Welsh Regions

Under pressure bosses at Welsh rugby’s regions are responding to recent criticism in typically bullish manner by erecting fortresses all over South Wales.

The huge structures are the brainchild of self-styled, big-spending galactico region supremo Joe Johnson. Johnson, whose CV includes lifting the World Snooker Championship trophy in 1986, proved that he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Laying the first stone yesterday, he spoke of making the Liberty Stadium a fortress once more. “They tell me this used to be a fortress a few years ago, but that seems hard to believe. All I’ve seen since I arrived is a stadium made of recycled plastic from Buckaroo parts”, said Johnson, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walked from the grave.

At bitter rivals Cardiff Blues, who have failed to score a single point since narrowly missing out on European glory last season, it seems that a fortress is the answer here too. Young Dai, a seventeen year old regular at The Old Arcade, who is steeped in Blues history, hinted that he’ll only visit the new fortress when they stop allowing the football team to play at their gleaming new home in Leckwith. “I’ll have another pie please, Pete”, he said to the barman, before returning to his SA and Western Mail.

Meanwhile at bitter rivals The Scarlets, former coach Carwyn Jenkins, denied reports that they were jumping on the fortress bandwagon. This followed comments in yesterday’s media attributed to fridge removal man, Stephen Jones, that a fortress was needed in Llanelli. Jenkins said, “Our fortress at Stradey had been in place since at least 1400, when Owain Glyndwr was our fly half. Now, in the spirit of Owain, we must empower ourselves to collectively confront our fulfilment issues and grow our new fortress. Leveraging on our organic growth, we will shift the dynamics of the paradigm to achieve next generation win-win for The Scarlets …” He went on for a while after that, but, sorry, I must have dropped off.

A spokesperson for Newport Gwent Dragons issued a statement saying that the playing and coaching staff were unavailable for comment as they were all out on the training ground preparing for the next game.