Celtic rugby chiefs have rolled up the sleeves of their blazers and taken a bold step by dragging the marketing of their sport into the Twentieth Century. By aping the cider manufacturer, Magners’, the brains’ trust of the WRU, SRU and IRNBRU have taken basically the same product and added a few minor variations on a common theme. “There are lots of stupid arsed times that games can start” said WRU (editor’s note: check what job title he’s got) David Pickering. “One of our new innovations includes Wednesday 1.17pm kick offs. And there’s definitely a gap in the market at 7.25am on a Thursday. We’d have to fight off the challenge of TransWorld Xtreme Women’s sport, which is on Eurosport five minutes earlier, but we’re confident that we’re up to the challenge. We’ve also done a SWOT analysis and there’s definitely no threat of being attacked by highly armed police.”
Other supporter friendly initiatives are thought to include away fans, televising the games on a TV station that doesn’t go bust and using non-English speaking Dutch referees. The latter is expected to be lead to a 50% reduction in tries awarded after the wing has run into the crowd to chat with a mate before touching the ball down.
Magners League chiefs have strenuously denied claims that the competition is part of a thought control experiment.
Conspiracy theories began circulating on the internet last season when many began to believe that Newport Gwent Dragons outside centre Rory Sidey did not in fact exist. US based conspiracy website Spazmo.com offered a reward to anyone who could remember seeing Sidey on the field and could offer a description of him. Now Spazmo has upped the ante considerably by claming that whole matches televised by the BBC have been wiped from the memories of tv viewers.
“The Sidey thing, that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” said Denver based conspiracy theorist Dirk Heggerty, “Watch the Magners League regularly and its clear that someone somewhere is trying to mess with our minds. We’re being told that people sit at home every Friday to watch these games but can’t remember a single thing about them afterwards. It’s disturbing. We need to find out how deep this goes.”
This is not the first time Heggerty has turned his attention to Welsh rugby, “It all started back in the early 1990′s, when several Welsh internationals regularly appeared on team sheets but never appeared to do anything. We call it the Proctor anomaly. We believe thought experimentation within Welsh rugby could go back to the 70′s. Ever heard Max Boyce Live at Treorchy played backwards? That’s some freaky shit man.”
The International Rugby Board is to jump on the celebrity IT bandwagon and take a very small sized page out of the world of Twitter. To counteract the widespread popularity of Twenty Twenty Cricket and Strictly Millionaires Diving, the IRB will introduce a new version of the Rugby Union code: Twitter Rugby™.
This new bite-sized version of the popular 15-a-side game will retain all the complexities of the full game but with one added difference. Each game is only to last 140 seconds. One of the main instigators of this new vibrant pico-sport is rugby factotum (sic) Rob Andrew. “This is just what we need to grab the minute attention spans of Generation X and create a sport that appeals to all walks of life: CBeebies addicted toddlers, Emos, League and Sevens fans as well as Gogs” said the ex-England Outside Half as he dropped another goal whilst simultaneously failing to score a third international try, yesterday. “Just think of the sense of occasion as fans travel miles to watch Munster maul the ball once.”
This new ‘improvement’ is already popular with Scarlets Supremo, Nigel Davies. “It’ll save our fans a hell of a lot of time. Why wait two hours for us to throw the game away stupidly in the last 20 seconds when the game can be over and done with in less than 3 minutes?” However it’s not good news for all. It is believed that this may be the final nail in the coffin for Conference.
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Editors at the Western Mail made the shock decision to leave an article about Gavin Henson out of an edition of their ‘newspaper’. The Mail, voted Six Park Street, Cardiff’s Newspaper of the Week (w/c Monday 12th October 1998), decided on the surprise tactic of only running 3 articles about the one kick, two tackles, three times a lady sticky-up-hair superstar. “We’d only just done a memorial Charlotte Church pull-out special earlier that week with another 5 speculative stories on other members of the Henson family. We decided enough was enough.” explained Dave Shallow, Celebrity Editor for the Mail, in-between gulps of Merlot.
Experts have called for the piece to be published elsewhere. “We could farm it out to another paper,” commented Shallow “Or even send it to some bloke’s blog. If the worst comes to the worst, some tuppenny, halfpenny rugby website will run with the story. They’ll print any old crap.”
The game of rugby union in Wales was hit by another hammer blow this weekend. Over half of the sides playing in the Welsh Premiership failed to win. Some of the greatest names in Welsh sport were put to the sword with Llanelli, Newport, Pontypool and Bedwas all losing. Self styled ‘Greatest Ever Galacticos in World Sport’ Cardiff also failed to pick up 2 points.
“These are serious times for Team Wales” said Wales boss, Warren ‘Wales Boss’ Gatland. However he did point out the light at the end of the tunnel. “Glamorgan Wanderers picked up a valuable home win. This just goes to show when a team can draw on the cream of the talent from a region such as Glamorgan, they can beat no-hoping losers like Newport. This is a great result for regional rugby, going forward.”