‘Empty seat’ envy drives new Dragons investment

Financial backers are considering adding an extra tier of seating to plans for the regeneration of Newport Gwent Dragons’ Dave Parade ground, as the original 15,000 capacity is no longer considered sufficient.

“As the Ospreys, Scarlets and now Blues have shown, having  row upon row of empty seats shining in the floodlights adds significantly to the wonderfully solemn, funerial atmosphere of a rugby match and looks bloody great on the telly,” commented a Dragons treasurer.  “We had nearly 5,000 in here on the weekend, so if we made the capacity just a few times that then you’d never see what eleven tonnes of cheap black and amber plastic would look like as the backdrop to a dour kicking war against Calvisano.”

Dragons officials are adamant in their desire to follow the ambition of the other regions.  Gwlad can report this strategy will also incorporate penning all home fans into one fifth of the ground, and hiking ticket prices so that only Dai Watkins, Dai Watkins’ wife, and visiting heads of State can afford to get in.  On the playing side, Paul Turner will be encouraged to sign some unknown Tongans with dubious Super 14 pedigree, on loan… from Japan/retirement.

In related commerical news, Red Bull are reportedly reviewing their endorsements commitment to the Cardiff Blues.  The deal could be upped to £50,000 a year with the caveat that coach David Young and ace Aussie fly-half Sam Not-My-Night are banned from being filmed anywhere near any of the free cans.