Match preparations ahead of NG Dragons’ opening Magners League game against Ulster are in disarray as none of the players can understand a word the coaches are telling them.
Particular concern surrounds sonically-challenged head coach Paul Turner, whose bass baritone verbal range has deepened to such an extent that only large whales and other seaborne mammals are capable of understanding him. In fact, marine biologists investigating the death of a beached Minke off Barry Island this week believe the tragedy was caused when the beast was called onto the rocks during Turner’s bank holiday tackle bag session, when it mistakenly heard the word ‘krill’ being shouted in ultra-low frequency.
“It’s all because Lyn Jones has left,” commented a backroom staff member, through an interpreter. “He was originally recruited because his vibrato used to bring Paul back from the brink. There’s been talk of bringing Moriarty in from the Scarlets but he’s too operatic, likes…”
The Dragons’ other training staff, forwards coach Leigh Davies (moustache interference) and defence maestro Colin Charvis (insistence on speaking in broken, sub-GCSE grade Welsh) are similarly unable to make themselves understood.
Meanwhile Ulster coach Brian McLaughlin was unsympathetic: “Aaarl teyms gor threyw theys toyps a proyblems,” he said (probably). “Weyd play um royt noy uf we kerrd.”
Munster have stunned Glasgow Warriors with the threat of legal action ahead of Friday night’s Magner’s league opener at the Firhill Arena.
Oversize leprechaun Paul O’Connell announced the move at a press conference last night saying, “Munster can proudly reveal that we have successfully patented the rolling maul. It is now for the sole use of Munster rugby and we warn Glasgow that any attempt to use it on Friday night will be treated as a breach of copyright and will trigger legal action. We’ve been illegally stopping teams from playing for years but now we’ve got the paperwork to back us up”.
The maul was set to be heavily used by Glasgow, mainly because their backs can’t run and pass at the same time. They are understood to be frantically trying to come up with some new tactics, so far with no success.
The news will come as another setback to the IRB who have reintroduced the maul following last year’s pointless Experimental Law Variations trial. It is also seen as confirmation of Munster turning their back on passing the ball beyond their outside half. “We tried it and we didn’t like it”, said a jubilant Munster fan “we’re going back to what we like best, 80 minutes of turgid forward play and a few up and unders”.
In further developments, Munster have also taken out patents on being more than 2m offside at the breakdown, killing the ball at rucks and generally moaning when teams do to them as they do to others. Ronan O’ Gara’s attempt to patent being shit at rugby was turned when it was discovered that the patent was already held by Gregor Townsend.